“Abandon every hope, who enter here.”

If the fraternities of Columbia were in Dante’s Inferno, what circles of Hell would they be in? Bwog has all the answers.

• Beta Theta Pi: Honestly, Beta represents all of Hell: the quote above the door of the Beta house itself is the inscription over the gates of hell. But realistically, they’re in the Eighth Circle of Hell, in the Fifth Pouch, with sticky tar. This pouch is the literary representation of the basement of Beta house. If you step foot on a particularly bad spot on their floor, you will need to say goodbye to your shoe; it’s gone forever, destined to decorate the basement of the Beta house for eternity as another reminder that they really need to clean that damn floor.
• Delta Sigma Phi: In order to be accepted into DSig, one needs to be a bourgeoise international prep school kid raised in the elegant cesspools of Oxford and Cambridge so that he could one day go play golf with Donald Trump Jr., Scrooge McDuck, and Judge Whitey from Caddyshack. They belong in the Fourth Circle of Hell for the Avaricious. They’re also bitter because they weren’t quite bougie enough to get into St. A’s, so they could also be in the Fifth Circle of Hell for the Sullen.
• Sigma Phi Epsilon: Every fraternity is guilty of lust to some extent, but Sig Ep especially so. If you have been to any Sig Ep party ever, you would know without a doubt that they belong in the Second Circle of Hell for the Lustful: there are always around 500 girls and 8 Sig Ep guys, and guys who aren’t in the fraternity are rarely allowed into their parties.
• Sigma Nu: Sig Nu doesn’t brand itself as an athlete frat, even though the speedos they don at their parties say otherwise, but the consistent smell of rotten chlorine wafting from the basement of their house betrays the truth: Sig Nu is the swimmers’ frat. Hence, they belong in the frozen lake Cocytus at the very bottom of Hell.
• Alpha Epsilon Pi: Even though AEPi might claim that they are “housed” in a suite in EC, we all know that doesn’t really count as a house. Are they really a frat? Who knows. They’re in the Limbo, in the First Circle of Hell.
• Phi Gamma Delta: Columbia has rewarded Phi Gamma Delta’s (commonly known as Fiji, and known for highly qualified alums such as Donald Trump Jr., Mike “Fragile Masculinity” Pence, and Neil Gorsuch) degeneracy by evicting them from their brownstone. Addicted to nicotine in the form of the Juul e-cig, and commonly seen daydrinking on a Wednesday, Fiji brothers belong with the epicureans in the Sixth Circle of Hell.
• Sigma Chi, Kappa Delta Rho: Known mostly as the football frat and the wrestling frat respectively, these fraternities are composed mainly of members who partake in aforementioned sports. Both sports involve a lot of violent bodily contact, so they’re in the Fifth Circle of Hell for the Wrathful, or perhaps the First Ring of the Seventh Circle of Hell, for violence against neighbors.
• Lambda Phi Epsilon: Lambda is the frat to rush if you’re a frat bro, but like, Asian. Lambda parties are the frat parties that white people feel out of place at, which is something of a paradox. In the 14th century, when Inferno was written, Christianity wasn’t really a thing in Asia, so Lambda belongs with the virtuous pagans in the First Circle of Hell, the Limbo. They have something of a reputation for hazing, however, so they could also belong with Sig Chi and KDR in the Seventh Circle of Hell for violence against neighbors.
• Zeta Beta Tau: They say they’re a fraternity, but there doesn’t seem to be much evidence for this. They don’t have a house, and the only evidence of their existence is the occasional ZBT jacket you see around. They’re with AEPi in the Limbo.
• Pi Kappa Alpha: ???? Who??

Welcome to Hell via Bwog Staff