The eye of the Columbia Elections Board: all-seeing, all-knowing

It’s that time of the year again…election season. Supplement the endless Facebook posts and professionally-shot posters with this edition of Night In the Life, the tale of a profoundly competent and selfless CCSC candidate. 

9:34 pm
Messaging my hookup from last week to endorse me on Facebook—gotta work those connections.

9:42 pm
Blocking them after they refuse. I don’t care enough about my partner’s enjoyment? I exert painful pressure?? Roleplaying as Roaree and an excitable fan was too extreme??? Life is too short to waste on the rabble; I’m out.

10:15 pm
Scrolling through my notifications and commenting on every endorsement: “omg this means so much <3 i hope everyone else thinks i’m as capable as you do!” and “really hoping to make strides in making this a safer, more inclusive campus served by a truly accountable, transparent, and representative body.” And hey, while I’m doing this social media thing, why not add everyone who liked my JJ’s meme a few months ago? Low standards for humor and fries should correspond to low standards for student government.

10:42 pm
Looking up synonyms for “accountable,” “transparent,” “inclusive,” and “diverse.” I mean, that’s what I’m all about!

11:21 pm
Printing out copies of Spectator’s endorsements and burning them. Like LOL they think they know so much? Who gave these feeble dweebs the right to judge anyone? They know my name, platform, and history in student government, not my story. And like, my platform is not bad at all. It’s miles and miles above anyone else’s platform. It’s more like…a jetstream? A jetstream straight to Morgan Stanley and membership in a supper club, and um, caring about tampons and food banks and finals schedules. Anyway, the flames are keeping me nice and toasty.

11:26 pm
No one else knows who set off the fire alarm, which is just the way I like it. Since I’m out here…Mel’s?

12:33 am
I think I see my main competition out here. He looks pretty lame and is wearing khakis. Is that what Spec’s into these days?

12:40 am
Reading up on the Columbia Elections Board rulebook. Really gripping stuff.

12:44 am
Me: hey u up
Peter: lmao what are you up to
Me: are you in butler rn?
Peter: yeah
Me: i need you to write “vote for [KHAKIS]” on every available chalkboard
Me: and can you report it as a rules violation tomorrow
Me: take pics
Peter: on it

1:57 am
Flyering in dorms, but not really loving our poster. I’m not sure we look diverse enough, or that my arm definition is being displayed to its fullest advantage. Maybe if we upped the contrast?

2:02 am
Sensuously kissing a flyer before slipping it under the door of my crush.

3:35 am
Drafting my post for next morning. “Hey everyone, don’t forget that voting closes this Friday at 5 pm! I urge you to vote your conscience, but I believe my platform is the one that best responds to the needs and concerns of Columbia students. You can read it at…” Wait…do I have a CC paper due today??

Evil Eye via Pixabay