How many of us have them

Six whole weeks have passed since arriving on campus, allowing us to gain a good sense of what we can and can’t stand about our roommates. Whether they’re your BFFs or a group of randos, you’ve definitely figured out who doesn’t wash dishes, who pees with the door open, and who has rough Tuesday night sex. But will your requests cross the line?

Is it too ridiculous to ask your roommate to:

1. Keep the door unlocked — Maybe they’re a sophomore who hasn’t experienced suite-style living before and just doesn’t get it. Sure, we’re in New York City and even the rodents out here know how to operate a door handle. But after graduating, we’re going to have to actually lock our doors for the rest of our lives! Can’t we indulge in a couple years of a convenient lifestyle where we can disregard our key’s whereabouts as we please? A fair compromise would be to suggest keeping the suite door open and encouraging them to lock their own door, but if they’re really worried about someone robbing them of their spices and cutlery at 2am, you’ve gotta respect those wishes. Tip: hide your key somewhere in your hallway. Be clever. There’s a fire extinguisher box or something that will keep up with your keys for you.

2. Get rid of their illegal animal — So your roommate found a baby kitten in an empty Yeezy’s box on the Lower East Side one night after bar hopping. Their big, drunk heart wouldn’t dare to leave it helpless in the streets, where it would grow up to live a hard life possibly involving violence and substance abuse. Thus, the illegal Ruggles kitten was born, and now occupies your suite. It’s fine and pretty low key, but it also smells, scratches at the door, and sometimes uses your toiletries. It is totally ok  to evict the kit!!! Animals are are super cool and cute, but if it hasn’t been cleared by ODS, and is more trifling than your suitemate who never takes out the trash, then Mr. Whiskers has got to go.

3. Not prepare disgusting smelling foods — We all can get down with the occasional fried pickle or reheated fish in Times Square, but nothing indefinitely kills your mood and appetite like these things being cooked in your own living space. Coming home to a suite mate throwing down the most foul smelling dishes is the worst, but it is still their space too! Maybe you could come to an agreement about when are and are not good times for them to cook boiled lamb neck, but telling them they straight up can’t cook it at all is not cool.

4. Have quieter sex — Only those chosen by God himself have made it four years through college and not had to ever hear one of their suitemates having sex. A weird dilemma captures your soul— most of you wants it to end and for your suitemate to disappear forever so you never even have to look them in the eyes, but a small part of you listens in, just for a few seconds, to quickly reflect on your own experiences (do I sound like that??????). Regardless, none of us enjoy any of the things we have to think about when overhearing someone elses’ mattress fun. But what do you say to them when you see them drying their dishes the next day, or worse, when you’ve had enough and want to call it out in the group chat? Honestly, there’s no easy way to ask for quieter sex, as we usually just avoid bringing it up at all. But once you’ve had enough and your desire for a quiet night outweighs the discomfort you have in surfacing the subject, you’ll know exactly what to say and do. Trust.

5. Close the door while they pee — One Bwogger actually likes peeing with the door open; it makes her feel more at home in her prison cell called 616. But after hearing complaints from some of her suitemates (and being walked in on a few times, which is only awkward for one person in the situation, and it’s not her), she’s started to close the door. Do not be afraid to tell your suitemates to fuck off if they think something ridiculous as this is OK……. it’s not!

We have a Rachel and a Ross on staff via Geoffrey Chandler