What’s Happening In The World: People born in the 2000s are doing better than literally all of us at the Olympics: Snowboarders Red Gerard and Chloe Kim, both 17, took home gold medals for Team USA this week. This is when I start wishing my parents had gotten me into sports. (NBC)

Hardly what I was doing at 17.

What’s Happening In The US: Have you ever written a paper, realized it was totally insane and didn’t make any sense, but handed it in anyway? That’s what Trump just did with his new budget plan, which would add $7 trillion to the deficit and cut billions from public broadcasting and the EPA. And just like your shitty paper, it has little to no chance of passing. (NY Times)

What’s Happening In NYC: I thought there couldn’t be a more irrelevant Trump than Tiffany, but apparently someone else found one, and maybe tried to poison her? Donald Trump Jr.’s wife Vanessa was rushed to an NYC hospital yesterday after opening an envelope filled with white powder, which turned out to be nonhazardous. Um, ok. (NBC New York)

What’s Happening At Columbia: It’d be really cool if Migos performed at Columbia (@ bacchanal), but until that happens, we’ll settle for homophones: The Mivos quartet is playing at the Miller Theatre tonight from 6-7:30 pm at an event that promises to showcase original works by the musicians themselves.