Get that $$

Already stressing over summer internships? Not to fear! Zoe Ewing is here to help you navigate the internship search and judge their “wokeness.”

Columbia’s career fair happened on Friday, which means it’s time to start searching for those internships! The summer internship is an important time to build connections, add a new bullet point to LinkedIn, and change your occupation on Facebook so everyone from your high school knows you’re better than them. But if you play your cards right, by the time fall comes around, it’s also a chance to show how woke you are as soon as you answer the what-did-you-do-last-summer question. If there’s one thing the men of Columbia College love, it’s making sure people know how woke they are—from wearing a Barnard sweatshirt to show how much they “support women’s colleges” to still having Bernie 2016 stickers on their laptops. So men of CC, here’s a list of the best internships to not only get that resume boost but to also impress women with your sensitive approach to social justice issues.

The New Yorker: You skim your parents’ New Yorker so you can talk about what you’ve read when you venture to the more hipster parties on campus. They had that short story, “Cat Person,” that analyzed issues of hookup culture, which was pretty woke. I actually have no idea if they have an internship program, but probably? It’s worth a shot.

Bumble: You’ve already switched to Bumble because you just “really want women to take back agency in dating apps.” It’s definitely not because you got tired of messaging first. At Bumble, gain CS experience while also working on an “inclusive” and “safe” dating app. Maybe they’ll even give you some free Superlikes! It’s definitely not selling out if the CEO is a woman.

Warby Parker: This is your aesthetic. You own at least 5 pairs of glasses from here, and constantly want to make sure that everyone knows you got it from this, like, really unique and cool place. This is a great way to seem intellectual next fall while still gaining a foothold in the corporate world.

Your Republican Congressman: He’s actually like, very moderate. He’s from the era before Trump and just wants to free up these markets from troublesome EPA regulations, cut social programs, and invade other countries sometimes. He’s trying to spread American values. You can definitely spin this. You’re socially liberal and fiscally conservative anyway.

Wherever your parents work: Everyone uses nepotism to get internships, right? You’re just working within the system to eventually take it down.

Goldman Sachs: Goldman isn’t actually bad, you manage people’s retirement funds! Also, come on, how woke do you really have to be?

What happened to that piggy bank via Public Domain Pictures.