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Conspiracy Theory: Schermerhorn Hall Is Not A Real Place

idk some old picture of what looks like Schermerhorn

EIC Youngweon Lee asks a question that should be on all of our minds: does Schermerhorn Hall actually exist?

My very first class at Columbia, a Tuesday 10:10 am anthropology class, was in 963 Schermerhorn Extension. I am adamant that this is probably one of the hardest classrooms to locate on campus, and it was my literal first class of college. Every single person, including the professor, got lost that day. A total of two students, myself included, out of a class of 12 or so, ended up actually finding the classroom.

This anecdote is demonstrative of a larger issue surrounding the maze we call Schermerhorn Hall. First, a small minority of the student population knows where it even is. Next, no one actually knows how to pronounce it. If you think you know, you’re wrong. However you’re saying it is wrong. Third, what even is the extension? Why did they have to extend Schermerhorn Hall? It’s like the original building was too straightforward and intuitive, so they added some confusion. You can only access the extension through certain floors of the main building, and there’s a weird passageway to get there.

The only logical conclusion to be derived from this is that Schermerhorn Hall is not a real place. It’s actually a secret passageway to go to Brooklyn. If you stand in a “bathroom” in “Schermerhorn Extension” (I actually don’t know if there are any bathrooms in Schermerhorn Extension), look in the mirror, and pronounce Schermerhorn three different ways, you will be teleported to Hoyt-Schermerhorn Station in Brooklyn, which is another liminal space with a really weird transfer from the A/C to the G, which is not a real train. Half of the station has been closed since 1946, rather like how Schermerhorn Hall has a weird extension whose purpose I am unsure of.

“Space” isn’t real. Neither is Schermerhorn Hall. Wake up.

“Schermerhorn?” via Bwog Archives

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2 Comments

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous I’d like to submit as evidence towards this claim the fact that I as a freshmen once got lost coming out of the geology library, followed signs on the third floor, and ended up exiting through a delivery entrance on that weird service street next to dodge gym. There’s also the fact that hiding in the building are two separate tiny museums (geology on floor 5 of the extension and some kind of art museum on floor 8) and a room on the ninth floor where Morgan did research on fruit fly genetics that has been renovated to permanently resemble what it looked like when he was studying. Schermerhorn is not real.

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous did you hear about the guy who fell down the stairs at schermerhorn? it really hoyt!

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