the scene of the crime

Staff writer Sarah Braner recently witnessed a truly scandalous event, and it has been taking over every thought in her head since.

It was a normal Saturday night. I was traipsing back from the Sulz 7 lounge when I ran into a group of friends clogging the hallway. “No problem, I’ll just slip past them,” I thought, until I witnessed something incredible: the tall, blonde boy at the rear of the group stopped in front of the hall inspiration board. In one smooth motion, he pocketed a single picture of the one and only Shakira. And then he left, unaware of the bond now formed by this secret knowledge we shared.

As he turned the corner, I remained frozen. How could I process this? Do I let it be? Do I tell the RA? I doubled over laughing, my body’s only response to what had happened.

I returned to my room, but the incident haunted the recesses of my mind. Why would someone steal just one photo? Ed Sheeran and Rihanna were right there, but why Shakira? What was the motive? Was it out of admiration? Spite? I could only conjure a few things one would want to do with such a contraband:

• Burn it in honor of the music gods
• Add it to his inspiration board of powerful women (we can only hope)
• Add it to his Shakira Shrine
• Tell it about his day
• Use it as motivation that one day he, too, might become Shakira
• Keep it to remember that one time he was in a Barnard dorm
• Save it from its miserable existence upon the board

Yet I still have so many questions. How could one feel so empowered to commit such an act? Who is this thief, what is their story? And, most importantly, where will they strike next?

Dearest Shakira photo thief, I only wish to understand you. I promise I won’t call public safety or the RA of Sulz-Reid 7. Just please, explain yourself, so I can finally start remembering to forget you.

When will she return from war via Sarah Braner