he’s here to stop you from wearing a lame costume this year

Year after year, you find yourself scrambling through your closet for clothes you can hastily turn into a costume. Despite knowing exactly when Halloween happens every year and the fact that it happens, again, every year, you are never ready for it. While you could settle for some of the real horrors Columbia has faced this year, we suggest sparing us the peace of mind for the relevancy points. 

  1. FIREFIGHTER: Plimpton and EC residents are all too familiar with the horrors of this one and even more terrified by what their presence means: the blaring of your fire alarm at 5 am. You could be a hot firefighter, but you could potentially bring back the unpleasant memories for some residents. Stay safe and respectful of some people’s traumatic 30-degree weather experiences.
  2. UNION WORKER: The only people this would terrify is the respective administrations of Columbia and Barnard College. While generally supported by the student body, chanting “don’t break the line” at a party probably isn’t the greatest move. I would advise skipping this one for your own sanity. Negotiating the bureaucracy of unionization is a headache in and of itself.
  3. DEVIL: Besides the fact that there will be no less than seven other costumed devils in your vicinity (known as the Basic Bitch Laws of Halloween), this job is occupied for most of the year by the person who keeps skipping you in the Ferris line, your roommate who uses 4 alarms in the morning, that person who took your laundry out of the dryer when it was still wet–you wouldn’t want to put them out of the job.
  4. ORIENTATION LEADER: The most horrific part of this is being an actual orientation leader encountering your students in Mel’s. Though I promise, the feeling is mutual for your OL group. Can’t stop, please stop showing up to bars in your NSOP shirts. Find your groove somewhere else.
  5. BACCHANAL PLANNING COMMITTEE: You will be hated for planning the event of the year. And although everyone will have an amazing time that they probably won’t remember, no one will ever be pleased with you. If you wanted to experience this level of disappointment, you would’ve just gone to your professor’s office hours after skipping four consecutive classes.

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