Because Bwogger Miyoki Walker is as committed as student journalists get, she has again decided to put her health on the line for her art. This time, she’s decided to spend a week trying any and all available desserts at Ferris even though no one asked her to. Here are the results.
Carrot Cake: Listen, maybe I’m a hater but I cannot get behind the idea of a cake with vegetables. That’s just me. That being said, this does taste faintly like carrot cake, but it also tastes faintly like glue. I made the mistake of keeping this in my mouth for too long after already realizing that I hated it and subsequently gagged in public.
2/10 – Do not eat this.
Pudding: I still don’t have the words to describe what was going on with this. This tastes like it was funneled through the pipes. Both the vanilla and chocolate are very off. Neither flavor is recognizable and it all tasted like sadness. The animal cracker would’ve been nice in theory, however because it was lodged inside the pudding, the bottom was left completely soggy. If we’ve learned anything from Great British Bake Off, it’s that nobody likes a soggy bottom. Maybe this was a mistake.
Three-layer Chocolate Cake: I was optimistic going into this one because I thought it was impossible to make a bad chocolate cake. After taking a bite I quickly realized that it is very possible. This was a very dry cake. I would suggest tackling this with a gallon of ice water by your side. Surprisingly, this cake also had a similar white goo decoration to all John Jay desserts and unsurprisingly the goo was gross. To be fair though, the chocolate frosting was decent.
Brownie: This tastes like a brownie. Very muted flavors, moister than the chocolate cake which should not be the case. A friend of mine said it tastes like powdered brownie mix which I agree with and am not mad about. This is good enough for me to have finished it which doesn’t say much.
Jelly Donut: I’ll be honest, I’ve never been compelled to try the Ferris donuts but there is a time for everything. This was a bit dry which seems to be a running theme of Ferris desserts. This tastes a lot like plain bread which is not necessarily bad, if you want plain bread. In it’s defense, this did have the perfect amount of jelly which is hard to find in most jelly donuts. This was also cute to look at.
Glazed Donut: Even more bread-like with no jelly to cut the dryness. At least there’s glaze on it…? Honestly save yourself the calories, this is not worth it.s
Chocolate Pound Cake: On a night when Ferris was filled mostly with pudding and fruit cups, I surrendered to this shit. This was offensive to look at. My biodegradable fork could barely break through it. All bad signs. There were unidentified crunchy objects inside of this—maybe chocolate, maybe nuts, I do not know. This is like the salad of desserts. Actually, @desserts sweetie, I am so sorry, you don’t deserve that.
Chocolate Cake: When all hope is lost, a shining beacon of light emerges from the darkness. Not sure if I made that quote up or if it’s from Harry Potter or some shit. Regardless, this chocolate cake was that beacon of light. The flavor here is delicious. The cake itself is perfectly moist. The frosting is smooth and not at all cloying. After hyping it up and making a friend try, they immediately got a piece for themselves. This is truly the unsung hero of Ferris desserts. This is what got us #1 in college dining. We don’t deserve a cake this delicious, but I’m grateful that we have it.
Marble pound cake: It was definitely a mistake to try this after the chocolate cake. This was…disappointing at best. Definitely not as bad as the chocolate pound cake, but still not worth it. If Ariana Grande taught us anything this year, it’s that we should love ourselves first. This is not the way to do that.
Cheesecake: As a staple of Ferris desserts, this cheesecake deserves the hype. This has the perfect graham cracker crust that could honestly be thicker. Actually, give me a cheesecake with just crust. I’m not too big on cream cheese. Regardless, this cake is smooth, creamy, and can make any Columbia student’s day better. Great mouth experience overall.
Oatmeal raisin cookie: Maybe I’m in the minority here, but I do love a good oatmeal raisin cookie. Fortunately, this is a good oatmeal raisin cookie! It’s soft, sweet, and lovely. No complaints here, however this is definitely not my first choice and I’m sure it’s not yours either.
Strange pink pie looking thing: I should’ve never fucked with this. This is disgusting. This tastes like if they melted strawberry ice cream from John Jay and baked it into a pie. Bad experience all around. Luckily, this isn’t a regular in Ferris so hopefully you will never encounter this atrocity. So so bad.
KEY LIME PIE!!!!!!
You might be shocked at the three words above but yes, on rare occasions Ferris offers key lime pie. This looks like cheesecake. In fact, I’m pretty sure the Ferris staff thinks it is cheesecake. However, this is nothing like cheesecake. This has the perfect balance of sweetness and tartness. By perfect balance, I do mean that this is overwhelmingly sweet but that is exactly what I want. The crust is soft, little gritty, and to die for. I can find no flaws with this. If you are lucky enough to find key lime pie in Ferris, I suggest you ask for the entire pie. You will thank me later.
Photos courtesy of Miyoki