when you just can’t deal anymore

It’s coming. For some, it may even already be here. Finals season is upon us, and if you’re anything like me, you may be a little more open to making reckless choices than you usually would be. If you’ve already committed to one unnecessary choice, what’s one more? And if you haven’t figured out how you’re gonna fuck yourself up this year in order to cope with stress, I bring you your horoscope for what rash decisions you’re going to make as a result of finals. Take it from an Aquarius who just got both her nipples pierced on a whim.

Aries

Good news, Aries! It’s your time to shine! And by shine, I mean spend tens of thousands of dollars getting every single one of your teeth encrusted with diamonds. You’re probably gonna drop out after this semester, since you’ll have spent so much time sitting while tiny diamonds are drilled into your teeth when you should have been studying. At least your tuition savings and loans won’t completely go to waste; more tooth bling for you! (“My Shiny Teeth and Me by Chip Skylark from “Fairly Oddparents” plays quietly)

Taurus

You will get absolutely PLASTERED on a Tuesday night. You wake up to see that you haven’t drunk texted your ex. You’re proud of your drunken self’s sense of self-control. However, this feeling of pride will soon turn into shame, regret, and the utmost confusion when an order of 10,000 ping pong balls are delivered to you at school. Goddammit, drunken self. Not again.

Gemini

For every final you expect to disappoint your parents on, you will hook up with one (1) Tinder sleaze.

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Cancer

You decide you’re finally gonna start the YouTube channel of your twelve-year-old self’s dreams. You record and edit an entire video, but your computer will then crash, deleting all of your progress. But maybe it was for the best.

Leo

You decide that the eighteen goldfish at the pet store deserve a chance. However, when you try to purchase them, your card will be declined. You hang your head in shame. You shouldn’t have let your Taurus friend borrow all your money for their new ping pong ball business they told you about on Tuesday night.

Virgo

Lemons. So, so many lemons. That’s the only information I can give you.

Libra

You will purchase as many limited edition “High School Musical” memorabilia you can possibly find on eBay.

Scorpio

You’re gonna bake a fuckton of cinnamon rolls with the intention of giving them to your friends, but as soon as they’ve cooled down, you immediately consume every single one. No one really NEEDS to eat 48 cinnamon rolls, but you better be goddamn sure you deserve every single one.

Sagittarius

You will drunk text your TA via direct message on CourseWorks. As a result, you will skip every class until the final in an attempt to avoid them.

Capricorn

Your procrastination-induced online shopping spree will land you with a new pair of jelly sandals, a JoJo Siwa backpack, and a concerning amount of rubber band balls. Just roll with it.

Aquarius

That thing you’ve been wanting to do to yourself for months, weeks, or maybe just a day or two? Go do it. Right now. Just fuck yourself up, man. Nothing matters anymore.

Pisces

Who are we kidding? Finals make no difference to you, as you’ve been making rash decisions all semester!

sleeping during finals is a mood via Bwog Archives