Menu CATEGORIES

Connect with us

CATEGORIES Menu
All Articles

It’s Fucking Cold 2: Arctic Boogaloo

self-immolation never smelled so good

It’s so fucking cold.

Polar winds blast down Manhattan’s avenues. Dogs are reduced to wearing tiny, adorable little baby shoe things if they wish to set foot on the frigid pavement. Those from warmer climes throw on layer after layer to no avail, still finding themselves shivering and their extremities numbed. Perhaps Mother Nature decided it would be funny to prove Trump right about “global warming” by freezing us all to death? If so, her sense of irony will be appreciated on Twitter, before everyone’s phones freeze and we have to start burning our computers to keep warm.

As people huddle together for warmth around barrels full of the burning remains of those who’ve succumbed to hypothermia, White Walkers pour forth from the Stock Exchange, slaughtering those who can’t flee or pause to beg them to loan their fleece vests, Canada Gooses, or traditional ice-covered lamellar armor. Slowly, it will begin to snow dry ice as temperatures drop further and CO2 is frozen out of the atmosphere. Then, with grim inevitability, it will begin to rain nitrogen, and then oxygen, as the seas freeze and all life is extinguished, leaving Earth a sterile snowball in a cold, dark universe.

Good luck out there.

Image via the goddamn Weather app

Ugh

 

 

Write a comment

Your email address will not be published.

 

Have Your Say

What should our staffer name her pet raccoon?

View Results

Loading ... Loading ...

Recent Comments

I'd wager that the people who "downvoted" this haven't taken a hard science class since High School. In fact, it's (read more)
SGA Talks About Sustainability
October 23, 2019
the virgin columbus day vs the chad election day (read more)
ESC Meets In A Different Room
October 22, 2019
How and why is this an article (read more)
Bye-Bye Bold And Beautiful: Barnard Announces New Taglines
October 22, 2019
Columbia should celebrate Columbus Day and have the day off. (read more)
ESC Meets In A Different Room
October 22, 2019

Comment Policy

The purpose of Bwog’s comment section is to facilitate honest and open discussion between members of the Columbia community. We encourage commenters to take advantage of—without abusing—the opportunity to engage in anonymous critical dialogue with other community members. A comment may be moderated if it contains:
  • A slur—defined as a pejorative derogatory phrase—based on ethnicity, race, gender, sexual orientation, ability, or spiritual belief
  • Hate speech
  • Unauthorized use of a person’s identity
  • Personal information about an individual
  • Baseless personal attacks on specific individuals
  • Spam or self-promotion
  • Copyright infringement
  • Libel