Menu CATEGORIES

Connect with us

CATEGORIES Menu
Articles

It’s Fucking Cold 2: Arctic Boogaloo

self-immolation never smelled so good

It’s so fucking cold.

Polar winds blast down Manhattan’s avenues. Dogs are reduced to wearing tiny, adorable little baby shoe things if they wish to set foot on the frigid pavement. Those from warmer climes throw on layer after layer to no avail, still finding themselves shivering and their extremities numbed. Perhaps Mother Nature decided it would be funny to prove Trump right about “global warming” by freezing us all to death? If so, her sense of irony will be appreciated on Twitter, before everyone’s phones freeze and we have to start burning our computers to keep warm.

As people huddle together for warmth around barrels full of the burning remains of those who’ve succumbed to hypothermia, White Walkers pour forth from the Stock Exchange, slaughtering those who can’t flee or pause to beg them to loan their fleece vests, Canada Gooses, or traditional ice-covered lamellar armor. Slowly, it will begin to snow dry ice as temperatures drop further and CO2 is frozen out of the atmosphere. Then, with grim inevitability, it will begin to rain nitrogen, and then oxygen, as the seas freeze and all life is extinguished, leaving Earth a sterile snowball in a cold, dark universe.

Good luck out there.

Image via the goddamn Weather app

Ugh

 

 

Write a comment

Your email address will not be published.

 

Have Your Say

Does anyone want to switch CC sections with me?

View Results

Loading ... Loading ...

Favorite Comments

guaifenesin, expectorant, cuts sperm production (read more)
Bwoglines: Sperm And Sirens Edition
February 15, 2019
ok the first time I left that comment it did not go through evidently Sorr I am an Awked ward (read more)
An Open Letter To The Fried Mac And Cheese Triangles At JJ’s
February 14, 2019

Recent Comments

guaifenesin, expectorant, cuts sperm production (read more)
Bwoglines: Sperm And Sirens Edition
February 15, 2019
ok the first time I left that comment it did not go through evidently Sorr I am an Awked ward (read more)
An Open Letter To The Fried Mac And Cheese Triangles At JJ’s
February 14, 2019
helo I am a Rutger I lived for mac n cheese bites every Monday at takeout my freshman year and (read more)
An Open Letter To The Fried Mac And Cheese Triangles At JJ’s
February 14, 2019