In Defense Of: McBain

McBain, one of the most popular sophomore dorms at Columbia, gets a lot of flak. Senior Staffer Jake Tibbetts wants to correct the record.

McPain. McHeinous. McShame. McButt. McBain, the corridor-style dorm at W. 113th St and Broadway, is known by many names. But no matter what you call it, you can’t deny that it gets a lot of hate. In our 2018 housing review of the building, it was called “absolutely the worst,” “the worst dorm on campus,” and home to “disgusting bathrooms and horrible people.” Some residents claim that the elevators suck, the walls are too thin, and certain rooms “smell like Milano’s in the worst way possible.” At the end of the review, the author asks a simple question: “Why would you voluntarily live here?”

I, much to the shock of many, actually voluntarily moved from Schapiro to McBain during the middle of sophomore fall, and I have never once looked back. Schapiro was hell for me—social life on my floor was non-existent, the relative distance of the dorm from Broadway made me feel isolated from the rest of campus, the lack of raucous energy on the weekends shocked me, and the shared bathrooms suckeddddddddddddddd. When I made the switch in October, it was love at first sight, warts and all.

So what reasons do skeptical rising sophomores have to reconsider their plans to steer clear of this dorm both wonderful and strange? Allow me to illuminate the top ten.

The layout: The building is shaped a bit like a ring. Each floor has four connected corridors with rooms on each side that form of a sort of square loop. This makes it incredibly easy to get to other rooms on the floor, the lounge, or the bathrooms no matter where you’re located on the floor. More importantly, though, if you’re too lazy to go to Dodge (or even the cardio room on the fourth floor, which will be discussed in greater detail later) before class, you can get your morning exercise in by running in circles for a half hour on that fine, fine carpeting.

The location: McBain is objectively located in the best spot on campus. It’s right next door to Junzi Kitchen, Milano’s, and e’s. It’s a block away from Ferris and just a bit further away from John Jay. It’s not ridiculously far from 1020, if that’s your jam. It’s a hop, a skip, and a jump away from Community. It’s right near just about every frat. It’s in close proximity to the Post Office, Duane Reade, and Book Culture. It really doesn’t get better than this, folks.

The main lounge: Right when you walk in, you’ll see a large-ish lounge, most likely filled with diligent students (believe it or not, some of those types do live in McBain) working on p-sets or essays or group projects. This lounge is niiiiiiiiice—not just in comparison to other dorm lounges, but in itself. I’ve taken more than a few Friday evening naps in here, and I regret nothing. And they just added new furniture, which is ridiculously comfortable.

The cardio room: I wrote a whole piece on this. I’m not going to say any more about it than I already have. But it really is wonderful.

The bathrooms: Sure, I’ve found pubes in the sinks and, err, bodily fluids on the floor more times than I’d like to admit. And yeah, the water pressure in the building does generally suck. But the bathrooms here are great for one purpose: napping! Because these are single-stall bathrooms, it’s very easy to lock the door, put on some Bright Eyes (or whatever floats your boat), shut the window, turn the shower on at the highest temperature, let the room steam up like a sauna, plant your ass on the can or the floor, and pass the fuck out for an hour. There’s no better way to combat stress culture, as far as I’m concerned.

The laundry room: It might be because everyone in this building is absolutely unhygienic, but this place is alwaysssssssss empty. I’ve never had to wait on a machine. It’s also a great place to nap.

The elevators: The one on the right is slow as hell, yes. But isn’t it nice to have options? If you want to make it to class on time, take the one on the left. If you want to take a nap on the way down (yes, there’s a recurring theme here…), take the one on the right. You’ll have plenty of time to hit the REM stage.

The big-ass lobby mirrors: I’m a vain guy, and I love making sure my scally cap fits on right when I’m rushing out the door. And are you really a Columbia sophomore if you don’t post at least one group selfie in front of these mirrors on Instagram?

The shaft: Yeah, you won’t have access to much natural light… but you’ll have plenty of new friends! The setup allows you to get to know your neighbors by holding up window signs, “You Belong with Me”-style, and shooting the shit. Just make sure to shut the blinds before doing the nasty. Please. Christ.

The fact that there really just aren’t any better options: Where else are you going to live? Schapiro, the dorm that makes Furnald look like EC? Wien, where residents piss in the sinks for fun? Give me a break.