This totally true story blew into our window this morning on scraps of papyrus. We transcribed it for your enjoyment.

As the wind whistled around Woodbridge on the corner of 115th and Riverside, two roommates, Allison and Sarah, sat in their living room totally doing homework and not procrastinating. The sound of the wind kept distracting them from their very important studying, and soon Allison remarked, “What if the wind actually just picked up Woodbridge and dropped it in the middle of Oz?”

Just then, the wind swirled around the building with ever greater fervor. Before Allison and Sarah knew it, the building was picked up and deposited in a black-and-white landscape. They ran out of the building to investigate their new surroundings, totally abandoning all the work they were totally doing before the wind took over. The first thing they saw was two khaki-clad legs sticking out the bottom of the building. The second thing they saw was a man in a suit looking disappointedly at them.

“Do you know who that is?”

“No.”

“That’s Lee C. Bollinger, the Wicked President of the East Campus! You’ve killed him!”

The two roommates looked at each other. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” Sarah said. “And who might you be?” she asked.

“I’m Deantini, the Good President.” Before he could explain any further, a woman wearing a bear costume appeared in a puff of navy smoke. “Ah! Witch Hinkson, the Wicked Dean of the Quad!” Deantini exclaimed.

“Ahhhh what have we here?” Witch Hinkson cackled. “People having FUN? Not on my campus!” She lunged for Allison and Sarah, who dodged behind Deantini, who was quaking in his boots.

“I’m really not the best at defense,” he whispered to the two roommates.

“That’s ok, navigating your bureaucracy has taught us to take care of ourselves,” Allison whispered back. “We’re just using you as a meat shield at the moment.” Deantini harrumphed quietly but didn’t move.

Luckily, Witch Hinkson got a call on her phone. “What?” she shrieked. “The CUMB is penetrating the quad? I’ll be right there to stop this heinous crime!” And she vanished in another puff of navy smoke.

“How do we get Woodbridge back to campus?” Sarah asked Deantini. “People must be wondering where it is!”

Deantini beamed. “Beginner’s mind, of course! Just assume you know nothing, and the rest will follow!”

Allison and Sarah stared at him. “That’s the lamest thing I’ve ever heard,” Allison finally said. Deantini just shrugged and stared back.

Luckily, the Pan statue appeared to break the stalemate. “It’s ok, Bacchae,” the statue said. “I’ll take Woodbridge back!”

With his god-like powers gained from being the only statue on campus brave enough to expose his penis to the elements, Pan conjured a whirlwind made of debauchery, grapes, and the homework Allison and Sarah were totally almost done with. When the storm settled, Allison and Sarah were back in their living room, and Woodbridge was back on the corner of 115th and Riverside. They checked their phones and found that five days had passed while they were in that strange black-and-white world.

After catching up with their missed notifications, they each texted in their main group chats, “Sorry I haven’t been around lol Woodbridge got blown away! It was crazy!”

They stared at their phones, awaiting dramatic responses and questions about their journey.

Hours later, Sarah’s phone buzzed. “What’s Woodbridge?” the lone reply asked.

Photo via Bwog Archives