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Please Wash Your Hands Exclusively In Milstein

Friday Daily Editor, Brigid Cromwell knows the only thing better than premarital sex is antibacterial soap.

It’s 2:37 PM on a Wednesday. I’m sitting in my room staring at the wall, enjoying my last minutes of freedom before departing to my first year writing class for an hour and fifteen minutes of pure soul-searching. Suddenly, I remember. I must empty my bladder. I contemplate walking down the hallway to the Brooks bathroom, reveling in the luxury of the wet countertops and toilet paper strewn across the floor. No, I won’t indulge myself today. Then, the thought comes to me. The soap in the Cheryl and Philip Milstein Center for Teaching and Learning.

I leave my dorm in a hurry, running down the stairs and across the quad, passing Barnard Hall where my writing class is about to start and throwing the glass doors of Milstein open wide. Finally, I reach the bathroom. Here, I find what I’ve been looking for: the best smelling soap on the entire campus of Barnard College of Columbia University in the City of New York. I spend three whole minutes washing my hands, lathering and rinsing like the posters in Olive Garden bathrooms demonstrate. My chakras are now aligned, my hair is shinier, and my arteries are unclogged.

Please wash your hands in Milstein, even if it’s your only reason for entering the building. To Cheryl and Philip, I thank you.

Imposter via Bwog Staff

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1 Comment

  • John Duesler says:

    @John Duesler Fantastic

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