@Attorney General Jeff Sessions “MUH WEED”

Disgusting. You sound like a THC-cumbrain who has lost their free will. Let me tell you about the dangers of marijuana you paste-eating nitwit.

It was 2018 Bacchanal, before Bacchanal was complete trash (fuck that braindead hipster committee). I don’t smoke. I don’t drink. I’m a good Catholic boy. But all good things must come to an end.

I took a drag from some heavy sativa strain of marijuana. My mind began rapidly oscillating after that. I felt that everything was a propaganda apparatus, and that the lectures and everything was a sort of “sorting mechanism” by which people were divided into social classes. Everything I perceived at Columbia was a test of some kind, from the lectures, to the books I was reading; even the shitposts on Bwog I read I thought held some deeper, metaphorical meaning. I saw Bwog as being the gestalt in essence, and it was a system to be gamed, and an apparatus for deceiving people but at the same time a secret tool to be used in order to advance personal knowledge in alchemy and philosophy – a place for fellow “geniuses” such as myself to exchange secret information and projects so as to advance our own personal gain, while the proles who browsed the site sifted through the propaganda and got caught up in it.

I immediately leaped up from my friend’s John Jay bed were I had laid like Jesus Christ on the Cross. I saw it. I pulled the auxiliary cord and told everyone to get out. No more Lil Pump sonic animus. Only John Cage 4’33” now. My eyes locked in on my friend’s book case. I ripped that yellow book out and lost my cognitive virginity to it in the sanctity and privacy of John Jay 1123.

I started really to go off the deep end when I tried to penetrate Hegel. I thought the Phenomenology of Spirit was a guide book to attain absolute knowing and to become the Master of your own domain. I saw the Foreword and I interpreted it as being a “forewarning” – that is, “not everything in the book is true, you passed the first test, good job, now here are the procedures by which you should interpret the text.” So I skipped to the part on self-alienation, this I perceived to be the first step: one must alienate themselves from Culture and then go forth to manipulate it. So that’s what I did. I took what I learned from my Art Hum class about gestures and told myself that gestures were a means of propagating information, and expressed a certain power dynamic in a master/slave scenario.

Suddenly I saw everything differently–everything became a piece of advice or something that ought to be maneuvered around. I was walking on College Walk once and someone said to me, “Good job, you’re getting close.” It could’ve been a hallucination looking back on it, but still I’m not so sure (I never told any of my psychiatrists that I experienced hallucinations, I was absolutely convinced of my ‘sense-certainty’ and that mental diagnoses were a meme to actually represent “power-levels” – my cousin was maths genius and had bi-polar so I assumed this was the highest “power-level.”) I was convinced that I was also a genius – a philosophy genius, because I could “easily” interpret Hegel and Foucault, which I was reading a lot of at the time. I was “THAT KID” in CC this year.

(to be continued….)