The man married to Vergil and ButCaf hot chocolate connoisseur: it’s John Gorton’s Senior Wisdom.

Name, School, Major, Hometown: John Gorton, Columbia College, Classics, New York City

Claim(s) to Fame: 1) Living in John Jay for far too long and 2) telling everyone that Vergil is my husband.

Where are you going? Probably to learn more dead languages in the hallowed halls of another very old school.

What are 3 things you learned at Columbia and would like to share with the Class of 2023?

1) Never turn down an opportunity to get free food and/or swag from Columbia.

2) Close reading is like giving oral sex and the text is your partner. Let it tell you how it wants you to engage.

3) Contrary to popular belief, 12am is the exact best time to go for a run in Central Park

“Back in my day…” …the classics department receptionist was an eccentric socialite cum yoga instructor cum regional celebrity named Geraldine Visco! Look. Her. Up.

Favorite Columbia controversy? Who is Scott Helfrich, and why does he send so many emails???

Justify your existence in 30 words or fewer: Imagine a person with no athletic, musical, or mathematical skills whose brain is full of virtually useless information about the ancient world. Now imagine the universe without him. Bam!

What was your favorite class at Columbia? Anything involving deceased Europeans. Oh wait… that’s all of them. Alternatively: CC.

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? Cheese, of course.

Whom would you like to thank?

My Idol: Cristen Scully Kromm.

My Thesis Adviser: Gareth Williams.

The Yin to my Yang: Amanda Sale.

One thing to do before graduating: Order something other than hot chocolate at ButCaf.

Any regrets? I never attended a Carman party, and it’s now solidly far too late.

Style Icon via Michael Edmonson