Hey. It’s me again. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situation, standing above you, spraying you with this can of Raid. Well, I’ve finally worked up the courage to say what I want to say to you: get the fuck out of my house.

When I moved into my beautiful Nuss double last Saturday, I thought it was just going to be me and my human roommate, but that was not the case! There you were, sitting next to my empty laundry basket, without a care in the world. We scooped you up, threw you 10 floors down into the wilderness of Manhattan, and went about our days. Later that night, though, I saw one of your children in the bathroom and felt betrayed. How could you, I thought. You left your infant cockroach in my bleach-smelling, sterile bathroom to freak me the fuck out when I went to shower. And this was all on the first day.

So now here I am, pouring my heart out to you, telling you to leave me the fuck alone. Not only does your presence disturb me, but I also find it very rude that you think it’s okay to live in my suite rent-free. What kind of person or roach just freeloads off of a 19-year-old college student? Where were YOU when I was struggling to come to terms with the cost of Columbia’s housing? You were probably having the time of your life, sipping cocktails on the beaches of Tahiti or in a West Village dumpster. If you’re going to be living in the dark corners of my suite, at least have the decency to Venmo me.

I have another question for you: why MY room? At the time I saw you, there was literally not a single food item in my dorm. Why not scurry your terrifying body around the kitchen, where there are actual edible items? I get it, I’m incredibly appealing and probably give off, like, roach pheromones that attracted you to me. I’m here to tell you that this relationship will not work, and if you just rudely show up in my room again, I’m going to have to crush you with the heel of my boot.

So let this post be a warning to you. If I see you or your children in my room ever again, I will not hesitate to call the police!

image via Walmart