Have you ever wanted to fight the sculptures on campus? No? Bwog fought them anyway.

The sculptures around campus are a beautiful integration of art onto campus spaces. The wide range of modern, traditional, abstract and realistic reminds us to think about creative expression. But also, I want to fight them. I don’t know what it is, but every time I walk past a statue I can’t help but assess it, figuring out how much of my XP it would take to deck each and every single one. So, if you, like me have ever wanted to fight a Columbia statue, here are your odds.

Scholar’s Lion

Advantages: +2 strength +1 speed

Disadvantages: -1 fear of water

Big teeth, big paws, a nasty attitude. I’ve watched enough animal documentaries to know that I do not want to get into a fight with a lion. But, under all that muscle, the Scholar’s Lion is just a glorified cat. He is still probably really into laser pointers, and with a big enough squirt bottle, you could probably deter an attack.

The Thinker

Advantages: +3 intelligence +2 strength +1 good looks

Disadvantages: -1 philosophy

At first, you may think that this intellectual is a softie, but check out those biceps! This philosopher believes that working out every muscle is important, from the thighs to the brain. Not only would be physically beat you, but he could definitely outsmart you as well. The only chance you would have is if you could get him to contemplate the morality of war, and get him to logic himself out of wanting to fight.

Tightrope Walker

Advantages: +2 size +2 numbers +1 intimidation

Disadvantages: -1 stability -1 strength

These two towering figures are intimidating, I’ll give them that. When you stand next to them, they loom so far up into the sky that you feel insignificant and crushable. Not gonna lie, if this pair walked up to me at night, I would be too afraid to put up a fight, I would just run the opposite direction. But the fatal flaw that might give you an edge, if you are able to collect yourself enough to fight them, would be the fact that two people stacked on top of each other are incredibly unstable. They may be used to walking tightropes, but a strong push would send them tumbling.

Alma Mater

Advantages: +3 intimidation +2 size +2 weapon +1 familiar

Disadvantages: -1 agility

On one hand, Alma is wearing flowy cumbersome robes that restrict her motion. On the other, she has a big long stick. Alma could smack you across Butler quad like a baseball. Alma could crush you with one of her giant hands. Alma, the most photographed landmark on campus, has hordes of supporters willing to fight for her honor. Not to mention, Alma has an owl.

The only hope of surviving Alma is begging for mercy.

Le Marteleur

Advantages: +2 weapon +1 engineering skills

Disadvantages: -1 strength -1 agility

Getting hit with those tongs seems like one of the most unpleasant things I can imagine. The Marteleur could knock you out with engineered precision – he would know exactly where to strike based on where your weak human bones are most brittle. But, because of his long smock and his comparatively small stature, if you could get the tongs out of his hands, you would probably stand a chance in hand-to-hand combat.

Bellerophon Taming Pegasus

Advantages: +2 element of surprise +2 size

Disadvantages: -1 agility

Bellerophon Taming Pegasus (or as I like to call it, “Law School Jumble”), is an intimidating opponent. I literally can’t make head nor tail out of this knotted up contraption, and so I have no hopes of predicting its next move. I can’t get a prediction of its abilities, desires, or weaknesses. All I can tell is that, due to their significantly smaller size, a person is probably more agile, and could dodge an attack.

The Great God Pan

Advantages: +3 good looks +2 strength

Disadvantages: -1 smarts

Similar to the Thinker, this hunk of a man could probably floor me in hand-to-hand combat. His looks are deceptive – he may have a sultry smile, but behind that is the mind of a stone-cold killer. His eyes are blank, and full of rage towards the building that lies in front of him. Although from his lounging position, it may take a minute to get up and get his bearings, but when he does, he would be an unstoppable force. His brain might be mostly blank, but when he sets his mind on a task, he follows through.

Hamilton

Advantages: +2 smarts +1 grace

Disadvantages: -1 strength -2 frumpiness

Our favorite founding father, the inspiration for the only musical non-theatre kids have heard of, and the namesake for an irrelevant campus building. Although he is smart, dressed to the nines, and a put-together man, he is far from being an MMA fighter. Hamilton would be too concerned about wrinkling his suit and ripping his stockings to properly fight. What he would win, easily, is a debate, but unfortunately, I am not here to rank the oratory skills of statues, just their raw physical power.

The Tooth

Advantages: +3 immovable object

Disadvantages: -2 can’t move itself

You may think trumping the Tooth would be easy. But have you ever tried to spin the Tooth alone? The Tooth saps your strength. The Tooth is an immovable object. You could try for years to spin the Tooth alone and not succeed. As a defender, the Tooth is unbeatable, but as an offender…he can’t do much. All he can do is wait to be accelerated – a giant metal Beyblade waiting for a giant metal 4th grader.

Now that you know how an average Columbia student would fair against each statue, the question remains, which statue would win in a fight against each other? For your convenience, I have created a bracket with a definitive outcome for a fight among the statues.

Images via Pixaby, me, and Bwarchives