It was a normal Monday morning, and I had dragged myself out of bed for a Ferris breakfast. Waiting by the toaster I watched in dismay as the last bits of avocado were viciously scraped from the metal container. Resigned to a different breakfast I turned away from the scene, but something caught my eye. There, in the background, I saw the refrigerator in the kitchen and inside it bags and bags of when can only be described as green goo. Imagine my horror when this green goo was then squeezed from its plastic tomb into the avocado bowl.
I left Ferris that morning scarred. I couldn’t get the image of those bags out of my mind, and it only led me to wonder what else is being hidden from us.
After countless sleepless nights, plagued by images of the inside of that refrigerator, I have taken it upon myself to compile a list of questions surrounding the Ferris avocado toast bar. Questions that we all deserve answers to.
1. Where does it come from? Is there some factory that blends and mass packages the avocado into the plastic bags? Is it shipped to Ferris, flown, hand-delivered? I need answers.
2. Why is there always a massive chunk of frozen avocado at the bottom? I feel like an amateur archaeologist when I have to dig for the spreadable section. I’m still haunted by the morning I bit into a pure block of green ice.
3. Why is it so popular? I like it as much as the next person, but people are like vultures with the stuff, scraping the bottom of the bowl, hissing at anyone who skips the line that forms every morning. It’s like green, squishy gold. Why? Is there some addictive quality we don’t know about?
4. What is in it? I know for sure it’s not just avocado, there’s something else. Top theories so far are shredded copies of the Iliad, glue, fairy lights, and stick deodorant. I mean it’s probably salt. But, still. A mystery.
5. Who decided raw onion was an appropriate topping for avocado toast? Listen, we just need to talk.
Many other mysteries surround the breakfast selection at Ferris, but it would us far too long to cover them all. If anyone discovers the answers to these questions, especially number five, be sure to let me know.