Menu CATEGORIES

Connect with us

CATEGORIES Menu
All Articles

5 Types Of People You See Walking Back From Hookups At 3 AM

Staff writer Olivia Mitchell pulls out her spectacles to observe and analyze the types of people you see walking back from their hookups at 3 am. 

  • The Scholar
    • Can’t tell if they’re coming back from Butler or someone’s dorm
    • Huge backpack, half-open, with notebooks spilling out
    • Eye bags for days
    • Wearing round black glasses, kinda fogged up
    • Shaking, just a little bit
    • Holding a Columbia Dining coffee cup, most likely filled with 4-hour old John Jay coffee or Red Bull
    • Dead inside
  • The Jock
    • Wearing some kind of Columbia sports sweatshirt, probably lightweight rowing
    • Sweatshirt hood up to hide their bedhead
    • Shoes on the wrong feet, only halfway on
    • Drinking water out of a generic aluminum bottle that also probably says Columbia lightweight rowing
    • Also wearing silver Nike basketball shorts with a mysterious stain on one of the thighs
    • Has practice in 3 hours
  • The Doomsday Prepper
    • Carrying a tote bag filled with everything you will ever need, including two sizes of condoms, tissues, and one of those samples of organic vegan lube you can get from Primary Care
    • Holding a half-empty Hydroflask
    • Wearing three layers of clothes, one for every 10 degrees below freezing
    • The only person on College Walk wearing a jacket and scarf
    • Hair freshly brushed in a way that’s almost obvious
    • Definitely knew this was happening
  • The Disgrace
    • Not an actual disgrace, but they feel like one internally
    • Was plastered, now just lightly buzzed
    • Eyes glazed over; coming to terms with what they just did
    • Walking back from EC, but did they start there? Who knows
    • Definitely just combed through their hair with their fingers
    • Stole a half-empty plastic water bottle from the desk of whomever’s dorm they were in
    • Planning on going to Koronet’s, not yet aware that it closed an hour prior
  • The Catastrophe
    • Hair thrown into a real messy bun using a hair tie they found on the McBain bathroom floor
    • Wearing black vans, no socks
    • Huge sweatshirt, drawstrings missing
    • Rapidly gulping water from a huge Nalgene that is also most likely covered in stickers
    • Walking towards Morton Williams to buy overpriced cranberry juice
    • Will be skipping their 10 am econ course for the 3rd time in a row tomorrow morning
    • Did not know this was happening

Image via Public Domain

Write a comment

Your email address will not be published.

 

Have Your Say

What should Bwog's new tagline be?

View Results

Loading ... Loading ...

Popular This Week

Sorry. No data so far.

Recent Comments

Friedman labeled the Public Safety Dept as “racist” for the incident of April 2019. Good riddance!! (read more)
Dean Natalie Friedman To Leave Barnard
May 27, 2020
Ah, yes. Cornell University. Ah, yes yes. Such wonderful trees. You have done it again, BOGW. (read more)
How To Relive Columbia Arbor Day At Home
May 27, 2020
Can you prove that (read more)
Fake It Till You Make It
May 25, 2020
And after she was treated soooo well by Barnard too ;) Lucky POSSE. (read more)
Dean Natalie Friedman To Leave Barnard
May 25, 2020

Comment Policy

The purpose of Bwog’s comment section is to facilitate honest and open discussion between members of the Columbia community. We encourage commenters to take advantage of—without abusing—the opportunity to engage in anonymous critical dialogue with other community members. A comment may be moderated if it contains:
  • A slur—defined as a pejorative derogatory phrase—based on ethnicity, race, gender, sexual orientation, ability, or spiritual belief
  • Hate speech
  • Unauthorized use of a person’s identity
  • Personal information about an individual
  • Baseless personal attacks on specific individuals
  • Spam or self-promotion
  • Copyright infringement
  • Libel