“DO NOT SLEEP ON BUFF CHICK THURSDAY AT FERRIS.”

Name, School, Major, Hometown:
Maryam K. Hassan, Columbia College, Middle Eastern Studies and Anthropology, Cresskill, NJ

Claim to fame:
Showing up to almost everything in either sweats or jeans, no exceptions. Being at almost every single game Columbia plays at home with my camera as you ask yourself “who the f*** is she and why is she always in Dodge?”(shameless plug maryamkhassan.photoshelter.com) And for some reason ending up on various Instagram story takeovers too many times to the point where that is how people recognize me.

Where are you going?
I think I’m making a right, then another right, and then another right and then ending up right back here at the intersection of Broke Blvd. and Confused Ave.

What are 3 things you learned at Columbia and would like to share with the Class of 2024?

1. You don’t have to read everything to get an A in class. Pay attention in lecture, talk to your TAs and professors and you’ll do fine. Stop panicking in Butler at 4 am, go to sleep and rip it on the exam. Butler is a bad place. Don’t go there. Find an empty room in Hamilton, a seat in Lerner, hell go to Wallach or Hartley, but just don’t go to Butler. There are better places to be stressed. The odds of a liberal arts professor failing you are really slim. You know how I know? Because I was literally in Butler at 4 am panicking, emailed the prof, and we worked it out. SHOCKING! This just in: a new study finds that Professors are not robots but rather functioning humans.
2.  It’s ok to ask for help. Friends, coaches, colleagues, advisors, psychologists, professors, it doesn’t matter who, but it is completely ok to ask for help, you are not lesser for it. You can keep trying to carry the weight of the world on your back but what good does the do you? TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, you’re more important than grades.
3. DO NOT SLEEP ON BUFF CHICK THURSDAY AT FERRIS. Eat for those of us who said goodbye too soon…

“Back in my day…”
There was this thing called John JJ’s where two dining halls were one. Carman had cinderblock everything, and the pavers on College Walk were not nearly as flat as they are now.

Favorite Columbia controversy?
Hewitt vs. Ferris: which is the superior dining hall?

What was your favorite class at Columbia?
Reincarnation and Technology with David Kittay. Those questions that you’ve had in your head that you don’t know how to phrase but they toy with you; this is the class to take. Learn about Buddhism, yes, that’s great and all, but this class actually allowed me to think in ways I had never been able or allowed to think before. If you have a chance to take a class with this man, DO IT, I promise you will have no regrets.

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese?
Can’t love what you never had.

Whom would you like to thank?
My boys Jose and Martin at Milano’s holdin’ down those H17s for me. Jumpei Harada and William Levine for gluing my sorry ass back together because without them I would literally be Humpty Dumpty.

Seriously though — thank you to every friend I’ve had in my four years. Thank you to the best roommate let alone friend anyone could ask for, Giana Vierheller—I will literally never find anyone better (no one I would rather share a birthday with either). Thank you to everyone who helped me to get here, now. Coaches past and present, parents and family, teachers, professors, and advisors. Couldn’t have done it without you all.

One thing to do before graduating:
Does senior spring count? Because I would love to have the last seven weeks of college to do the last seven weeks of college stuff…

Any regrets?
Who doesn’t? All the more fun to relive it that way.