Get your meal swipe’s worth and grab a dozen of each. Fret not! They’re so full of preservatives that they’ll never expire!

Nothing, nothing will ever replace the joy of loading five cookies onto a little Hewitt plate after waiting like a helicopter mom for a new tray to be brought out. However, in these unfortunate times, sacrifices must be made— sadly, this extends to cookies. When I made my triumphant return to Hewitt last week, I was filled with joy when I saw the array of different chocolate chip cookies available to me. Unfortunately, dear Reader, the sacrifice Hewitt had to make was in forgoing quality for quantity. Mine is a tale of ruinous heartbreak.

(I have heard that humans connect more readily with fictional characters. Therefore, I will be personifying these cookies as cookie-related childhood characters, hopefully invoking the warm nostalgia that was tragically lacking in the flavor of the cookies themselves.)

4. Divvies 2 Chocolate Brownie Cookies: Strawberry Shortcake

Cute as you may be, you’re not a cookie. Brownie cookies need to be exceptional to make me choose them over a normal chocolate chip cookie, which already has achieved the perfect balance between dough and chocolate, so that the cookie is not overwhelmed by the chip. While these get points for being vegan and nut-free, they immediately lose those points because they are not tasty. They have the texture of biting into a block of riverbed clay, and I am still wincing at the feeling between my teeth a week later. Also, a cookie that has to specify in the name that there are two in the package must be compensating for something.

3. Divvies 2 Chocolate Chip Cookies: Gingy from Shrek

These share the same awful texture of their double chocolate counterparts, but they get a little closer to being an edible cookie, hence Gingy. These, like gingerbread universes, are all for show: it’s nice that Hewitt can say that they have a vegan chocolate chip cookie, but why must they be so worthless when it comes to flavor? And again with the “2”— this cookie isn’t a sequel (unlike the Shrek franchise, but good for them I guess). After trying it, I wouldn’t want a second one of these, anyway.

2. David’s Gluten, Nut, & Dairy Free Chocolate Chip Cookie: Cookie Monster

This cookie’s size makes it the perfect one to satisfy your mental prototype. Props for being gluten-free, because I’ve heard that Cookie Monster has recently given up the big G. It’s a little dry and a little bland, but it certainly is an impressive size that would be suitable when you, like me, are hit with the overwhelming craving for a cookie and care not for its quality when you are in such a wild state. Cookie Monster would approve, but a more discerning palate would not (no offense to Cookie Monster).

1. David’s Chocolate Chip Cookie: If You Give A Mouse A Cookie Mouse

I wish that I didn’t have to put the most typical, dietary restriction-unfriendly cookie at the top of this list. However, David and Divvies gave me no choice, as this is by far the most decent cookie experience out of all of them. It is a perfectly okay chocolate chip cookie and that is all. Would I get it next time I’m in Hewitt? I’d probably still take several, yes. While not excellent food, I would still call this A Cookie. This unassuming little one is the mouse from the beloved If You Give A Mouse a Cookie franchise, partly because this mouse is just my personal favorite cookie character and this is my personal ranking, but also because this is the only cookie that I would eat and then consider asking for more.

Disclaimer: All cookies involved in this taste test were eventually eaten, by me.

Cookie Extravaganza via Bwog Archives