Staff Writer and first-year student Phoebe Lu sorts different things that annoy her into Dante’s nine circles of hell.

Circle 1: Limbo – You’re kinda in hell but not really because you’re in good hell. On one hand it doesn’t seem that bad and you get to hang with Aristotle and Hippocrates, but on the other hand they also seem like mansplainers.

  1. Break out rooms where no one speaks and you just stare at each other. Especially when it’s two people. Like is this sexual tension??? Or do you just hate me??
  2. Number 34 on a waitlist. 
  3. When you stay after class for office hours/to talk privately and everyone else leaves the meeting but there’s one person with their camera off who just stays. Please sir I don’t need you hearing my business.
  4. Columbia Virgin Club when I wrote a BEAUTIFUL article about them and they didn’t even follow me back on Instagram. (Please?)

Circle 2: Lust – …I think we all know this one. 

  1. Literally everyone who submits to @ColumbiaUniConfessions (stan Columbia Virgin club though please follow me back). 
  2. First-years who read Sappho for the first time (fragment 38 though….)  
  3. The entire student body when Timothee Chalamet briefly appeared on campus.  
  4. Everyone who did the Nemesis Pact hoping for some sort of re-enactment of 10 Things I Hate About You. 

Circle 3: Gluttony – Excess in eating. 

  1. Me during my 1 am class when I tilt my camera up so my professor can’t see me inhaling egg rolls. 
  2. Idk I don’t get why gluttony is a sin either. Treat yo self. 

Circle 4: Greed – Wanting shmoney. Being extra. 

  1. Finance bros/people who took Wolf of Wall Street seriously/that one guy in your Principles of Econ class who will just not shut up. 
  2. People who complain about an A-. Are you okay?
  3. People who hold maskless parties and show them off on social media.

Circle 5: Anger – Grrrrr…

  1. Me when someone in class wants to play “devil’s advocate.”
  2. Guy in your class who grunts every time someone brings up race. 
  3. Bwog hate commenters. Boo. You. 

Circle 6: Heresy – Honestly I did not know what this word meant and at this point I’m too lazy to ask. I’m assuming it just means things people write that I don’t like so here they are: 

  1. Confessions by Augustine. 
  2. When everyone writes 3-4 lines for a discussion post and someone just decides to post a whole ESSAY.
  3. When my professor comments: “I’m not following your point.” Me neither though? 
  4. The epic length of Prezbo’s emails.
  5. Emails in general.

Circle 7: Violence – Ouch!

  1. Of course, it’s hard to be violent with social distancing guidelines in place. I would say the first computer science midterm I’ve ever taken did feel like a punch in the face. 

Circle 8: Fraud – Liar liar, pants on fire.

  1. People who say they “failed” but get an A.
  2. Paying full tuition while virtual.
  3. The American Dream.
  4. That time when Columbia cancelled housing 2 weeks before move-in. 

Circle 9: Treachery – This is where Satan resides so I imagine you have to be pretty bad to end up here.

  1. No one deserves to be in this circle. Honestly. There’s some good in everyone. We just have to find it.
  2. Pigeons. 

Dante via flikr