My 8:40 am class is cancelled, you say? And there’s no way for me to go to class right now? How…terrible*!

*hell yes hell yes hell yes

Well Canvas, you’ve done it again! You’ve inconvenienced me to a point where I can no longer forgive you! How dare you have the audacity to not work as soon as I had to access the link to my 8:40 am class. How dare you make me email the professor, “Sorry! I can’t go to class!” and bother a person who works way too hard to be teaching online during a pandemic. And what smug pride you must have for making me close my laptop, walk away from my desk, and get an extra hour of sleep today all because your silly, little website didn’t work. How obscene! The horror!

Now, I’ll take this free absence opportunity, but I sure as hell won’t like it. The well-deserved nap that I’m about to take will be an angsty one, no doubt! I’m so, so angry that I slammed my laptop closed faster than a bolt of lightning hitting the ground, and I stormed out of my office like I did in elementary school when the secretary told me my mom was here to pick me up early to go to a doctor’s appointment. I even made a hearty breakfast, and even though it was luxurious, it was still prepared with the rage from my canceled class opening up a moment for me to take my time and make a gourmet meal. How dare you make me enjoy my morning for once!

And sure, this may be the closest we’ll ever get to a snow day, but as far as you know, I’m not happy about it! Snow days are no longer possible with this weather! When you tell me that it’s Spring—a time where flowers bloom and the weather gets warm—you must clarify that you meant the season, not “spring-out-of-your-chair-as-soon-as-class-gets-suddenly-cancelled-and-go-back-to-bed.”

And now what am I going to do for the rest of the day? Not check Canvas to see if it’s back up in time for my other classes? I mean, how can I when I’ve been let down in the same way the Duke of Gloucester fell off the cliff in Shakespeare’s King Lear?

I’m going to write these emails for every class; I’m going to tell my professors that I won’t be on Zoom today. But as I’ve said before, I will not enjoy it one bit. You may have given me an unexpected day off to practice self-care, but I will never forgive you for it. In fact, because you’ve made another enemy today, I guess I have no choice but to boycott your site for the rest of the day! Not that it matters, of course. The page still won’t load in my browser.

You lost a loyal user today, Canvas…and for that, I will—oh. Oh, it’s back up? I can now go to my 10:10 am class? I no longer have an excuse for skipping class today? Fuck, man…

Loss of Existential Purpose Due to Canvas Being Down, as Told by Hopper via Flickr