Have you ever looked at the names on the front of Butler and thought, “What if they had sex on camera for money?”

Content warning: What you are about to read may shock you. The following contains imagined scenes—structured as Socratic dialogues—of two of the beloved white guys on Butler engaging in corny, VHS-tape style pornographic foreplay. Rest assured, even though Bwog is sexy, none of what you will read below is technically pornographic. You have been warned.

Scene 1:

Socrates and Plato as “Saucy Tease” and “P-Baby” in The Perfect Form

Saucy Tease: My cherished student, what is the point of this life?

P-Baby: By Zeus, you are asking the right questions. Because virtue is the best thing in the world, and we must strive toward what is best, to live virtuously must be the point of life.

Saucy Tease: But is it not true that acting virtuously is less enjoyable than some other things in life? And that what is enjoyable must therefore be good? So something that is more enjoyable is necessarily better than something that is less enjoyable?

P-Baby: Well, yes, I suppose what is more enjoyable is better.

Saucy Tease: So what is the most enjoyable is, therefore, the best, and doing what is best is the point of life, wouldn’t you agree?

P-Baby: I don’t see how I could not! But what is the most enjoyable thing in the world?

Saucy Tease: Why the most enjoyable thing in the world is dirty raunchy sex!

P-Baby becomes excited at this new development.

P-Baby: So in order to live the best life, we must engage in dirty raunchy sex?

Saucy Tease: You are correct, my student.

Saucy Tease disrobes.

P-Baby: Gods of Olympus! That is the most perfect form I’ve ever seen!

Scene 2:

Augustine of Hippo and St. Thomas Aquinas as “August Sins” and “Tommy’s Whiny Ass” in Father May I?

August Sins stares longingly up from the pages of his Bible at his student Tommy’s Whiny Ass, who is still engrossed by the scriptures.

August Sins: Get down on your knees.

Tommy’s Whiny Ass: But sir, it isn’t time for prayer yet.

August Sins: It is always time to glorify the Lord, boy. Now get on your knees and I shall make you call out the Lord’s name.

Tommy drops to his knees.

Tommy’s Whiny Ass: Now what, sir?

August Sins: You know what to do.

Tommy’s Whiny Ass: … Forgive me, daddy, for I have sinned.

Scene 3:

George Washington and Alexander Hamilton as “El Presidente” and “Alex Handy” in Boss Uses Treasured Secretary For All His General Needs

Alex Handy: Who knew creating a lasting constitutional republic would be this hard!

El Presidente: Something is certainly hard.

Alex Handy: What’s that sir? Is it the creation of a legitimate world power out of a few former colonies?

El Presidente: No. It’s my engorged Washington!

El Presidente slaps his shlong on top of the resolute desk.

Alex Handy: Oh sir, that’s by far your most distinguishing quality. I’m sure when they build you a monument, they’ll make it long, white, and hard as granite!

El Presidente: Quit the chit-chat, Alex. I need you to act as my right hand, man.

Alex Handy: How could I say no to this!

He begins to stroke the presidential penis.

El Presidente: Yes! Let’s make the state of us a union…if you know what I mean.

Alex Handy: Of course sir! Once you enter, I want you to stay for life.

El Presidente: But I must go eventually, I have a family to attend to in Mount Vernon. But before then, I think I have two terms in me.

Scene 4:

Edgar Allan Poe and Walt Whitman as “Edgar Has His Hoes” and “Walt Whipsmen” in Erotica: The Poetry of Lust

Edgar Has His Hoes spots Walt Whipsmen from across the smoky chamber. Edgar is overcome and attempts to seduce Walt with his poem “The Depraven.”

Edgar Has His Hoes:

Once upon a midnight dreary, when I saw you ever clearly,

All I thought was “Isn’t that a pleasant whore?”

While I watched you, nearly busting, my thighs alone started thrusting,

As of one already moaning, groaning on my chamber floor.

“I must have you now,” I muttered, “Naked on my chamber floor–

Only you, forevermore.”

Struck by the beauty of his language, Walt Whipsmen has no choice but to capitulate, as he acknowledges with his own poem, “Leaves of Ass.”

Walt Whipsmen:

Though your poem is in trochee

And my verses are iambic,

I desire you to choke me,

Slam me down, and use your big dick

To release this mounting pressure in my loins!

Scene 5:

John Jay and Henry Wadsworth Longfellow as themselves in The Two Guys With Accidentally Perfect Porn Names

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow: Hey! Is your name short and alliterative?

John Jay: That it is.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow: That’s vaguely erotic.

John Jay: You’re one to talk, Longfellow.

They bone.

Porn Shoot On Low Beach via Bwog Illustrations