Have you ever wondered what certain showers at Columbia University would be if they were majors? Well, ponder no more: below, I’ve compiled a list of some showers and their (very accurate*) Columbia major personas.

Brooks Hall fifth floor, rightmost shower – Engineering Major

This shower, much like engineering majors, is intense and super-high pressure. (It feels like you’re being aggressively hosed down.) Also, seeing as it’s such an effective and well-functioning apparatus, I feel that engineering majors would have lots of respect for it.

Brooks Hall seventh floor showers – Economics Major

Impeccable water pressure but quite a dicey curtain situation: what a conundrum! Which major is dedicated to weighing risks versus rewards? Why, econ majors, of course!

Reid Hall fourth floor showers – Biology Major

Described to me as “dark, dank, and consistently moist,” the Reid 4 showers instill fear in its inhabitants; they fear what may be growing inside. The water pressure isn’t great, the curtains are inadequate, and the shower stalls provide the perfect breeding ground for various bacterial anomalies. However, bio majors, given their interest in such growths, might enjoy a quick trip to Reid 4.

Plimpton eleventh floor suite shower – Architecture Major

Mostly clean, well-lit, private, and spacious, this suite’s shower best embodies the architecture major. Like the department, the shower is small but well-resourced, and both offer a positive individual experience. In addition, architects will appreciate this shower’s sleek design. 

620 West seventh floor showers – History Major

Unfortunately, the history major is best personified by the dark, damp, and easily clogged showers in 620. Like the drains in the bathroom, the History Department is pretty crowded. Plus, the building is essentially ancient: in fact, the stalls have doors rather than curtains. Talk about needing an upgrade!

Nuss’s ninth floor showers – Business Management Concentration

These showers are notorious for the long cold-to-hot-water-wait and allegedly one of the curtains had to be removed at the beginning of the school year due to mold. On top of that, the bathroom’s pink and black tiled floor is simply atrocious. Yikes! Business majors are all about decision-making and cost-benefit analysis, but such resolutions take time to come to the surface, as does the hot water in these showers. Also, when I think of business management, I often think of fraternities, and I tend to associate questionable design choices, a poor color palette, and somewhat alarming contamination with such brotherhoods (with peace and love). 

EC sixth floor showers – Computer Science 

The bathrooms on the sixth floor of EC are private to doubles, meaning that the showers are only utilized by two people maximum. As such, the EC showers are cleaner, more reliable, and generally less gross. What’s more is their impressive water pressure: it’s said to be so intense that “the shower curtains lift up and flap all over the place because of the force with which the water comes out.” In other words, these showers know how to get the job done—no funny business—much like Computer Science majors. In addition, it is clear that the University has spent a lot of money on these bathrooms, much like the Computer Science department. 

*Please don’t take this literally—feel free to continue pondering! We all love a good ponder.**

**But I’m right.

a shower via Bwarchives