King Henry, of Clan Cup Tower, was the first reigning monarch of the Southwest Highlands of Schapiro. The following is an earnest recount of his rise to power, his great feats, and his untimely death.

Early Life and Coronation

Henry was the son of Sir John Jay and Lady Ferris, arguably one of the most influential rulers of the eastern lowlands (aka the Columbia campus). The royal couple commanded thousands of tribute-paying vassal houses (students on a meal plan) and received an endless stream of pilgrims (hungry students) and emissaries (their guests) across the continent, whose main ambition was to dine at their high table. They were never disappointed, and the name of the royal couple was spread far and wide. Henry, feeling that he would never amount to much under his parents’ shadow, decided to try his fortune elsewhere. Eventually, he settled in the highlands of Schapiro.

Standing at six cups wide and six cups tall, Henry was but a boy when he first ascended the throne. A devout believer in husbandry, the young king made sure his ceremony was short and private. In the presence of his two vassal houses (two students who pledged their undying fealty), he put on his family heirloom, one of his mother’s infinitely many crowns. The king did not even build himself a castle. He called the cliff he was standing on (the window sill) his throne and rested his body on the Southern Wall—the wall with a thousand gates (though some called it “The Blind”).

And so began King Henry’s reign.

Personality

King Henry was quiet and slow to judge. His silent nature was the source of many anecdotes, the most famous of which concerned the pronunciation of his name. Legend has it that even his two vassal houses pronounced his name differently. One house claimed that the king was noble and majestic, and the name was clearly an homage to the British monarchs of the old. (Indeed, shortly after his ascension, Henry grew to be 14 cups wide and 14 cups tall, a record magnificent even by Clan Cup Tower’s standards.) The other house insisted that the king reminded them of their patron god Thierry Henry, the legendary French striker, so the name should use the French pronunciation (an·ri). Henry never gave his own verdict on the matter, attributing the argument to geological differences: the two houses occupied opposite sides of his kingdom (the dorm room).

Construction of Reservoir Dasani

In the early days of his rule, King Henry’s vassal houses were greatly plagued by a dearth of clean water sources. The nearest water source (referred to by some as the “water fountain”) was at the base of Schapiro, and the houses complained much of their cumbersome journey back and forth. Consequently, the king spearheaded and oversaw an ambitious project—building a reservoir within his own kingdom. Having cleared an empty lot at the base of his throne, Henry guided his subjects as they transported and stored Adam’s ale in large containers.

Considering the limited manpower and technology, Reservoir Dasani was nothing short of a human wonder. In its golden days, it stood 72 bottles strong, and its sweet nectar would go on to provide for Henry’s subjects for a long time.

However, due to negligence and profligacy, the reservoir’s water was eventually depleted. Even the foundation of this marvel disappeared without a trace.

Social Life at Henry’s Court

King Henry lived the life of a recluse, as he never set foot outside his castle during his reign. Yet never was he truly out of the public eye. Journeymen traveling past Schapiro at night could often see the shadowy figure of the king, illuminated by the dazzling light within his realm.

Many an admirer ventured up Schapiro, to feast their eyes on the august monarch. Most, awestruck by the king’s imposing stature, quickly retreated. Of those who stayed, perhaps the most fascinating guest was Sir Jefferson, of Clan Traffic Cone. With his footsteps covering every part of the Iron Jungle, he entered the king’s palace on a rainy night, his once glorious orange robe caked with splattered mud. The king received him graciously, and, captivated by Jefferson’s wit and experience, he fell into an easy conversation with his guest that lasted until dawn.

War with the Light

Three cup tower years into Henry’s rule (which is equivalent to one month in human terms), King Henry declared war on what would be his lifelong arch nemesis—the Empire of Light. At first, the relationship between the two courts was peaceful: the constant emissaries of the Light brought necessary warmth to Henry and his people. But after discovering a magical element that could manipulate the elements (AC) and setting up his own constellations (LED strips), the relationship quickly deteriorated. The frequent visits of Light emissaries disrupted the necessary rest of his vassal houses, who preferred to work in the tranquility of the night. And so the Southern Wall with its thousand gates (“the Blind”) was forever closed.

King Henry took on the role of the guardian himself. Once in a while, a squadron of the Light Army would infiltrate through small crevices of the wall. They would, however, immediately find themselves face-to-face with the colossal king, and get mercilessly repelled. Under his protection, the two vassal houses thrived. They got ample rest, and under the cool shade of the wall, one house even started their hobby of committing intergalactic war crimes.

Demise and Legacy

Tragic death struck the king unexpectedly. Ten Cup Tower Years into his rule, an emissary arrived one early morning outside the northern gate. Under the exotic banner of Fire Safety, the visitors claimed to be the friends of the King’s parents. The two unsuspecting vassal houses opened the gate without hesitation. The group marched across the king’s territory, stopping only before the Southern Wall, upon which the sleeping king was lying. Then they revealed their true intentions. Spies of the Light, the visitors forced open every gate. The doors cut into Henry’s body like daggers. His crown tumbled down, and his immense torso was sliced straight through. His subjects watched, horrified, as Henry fell off the cliff and pieces of him smashed to the ground with a dull thud. Thus ended the reign of King Henry, who perished before he could ever reach his prime.

Henry was survived by three young sons. The eldest, Henry II, was only three cups tall when he took over the reins.

Images via Bwog Staff and Flickr