It’s that time of year again again.

Over the last week, students around campus have been shaking and quivering, partly because it has been quite cold recently, but also, more importantly, because the annual tree lighting ceremony is occurring tonight, December 1 at 8 pm! The tree lighting ceremony is arguably the best event hosted by Columbia all year, where the beautiful, yet suave, College Walk trees are ignited from their dormant state, illuminating the cold, dark and gloomy winter night. If you are unfamiliar with the preparations you should be taking before this event, I recommend checking out my article from last year explaining in great detail how to prepare your mind, body, and soul for such a touching moment. I am writing today not to just remind you all of this event or help you prepare. Today, I am writing because I believe that I should be the one to flip the switch, igniting the trees and leading the ceremony. I have prepared a copious amount of reasons but have shaved it down to a couple key points.

I am a notable Tree Enthusiast and Intellectual

During my time at Columbia, I have become a well-integrated member of the arboreal community on campus. Of course, as you all are aware, I am Bwog’s residing tree specialist and connoisseur. Additionally, of the 24 currently operating TLO’s (Tree Loving Organizations) on campus, I am president of seven and secretary of four more. Not only am I a leader in these organizations, but I have strong connections with many of the others such as the Tree Hugging Association which I worked very closely with last year to research Columbia’s Top 10 Trees which has had a resoundingly positive reception. Of course, the reason I am a leader in the community is no fluke. I have passed all of my arboreal related classes with flying colors. In fact, one of the questions I asked my professor (Oak) resulted in a standing ovation from the other three students and brought tears to the professor’s eyes. The tree appreciators all around campus would rally behind me as a valiant leader of our arboreal cause. Clearly, my roots run deep here. 

Tree runs deep within me, literally

A couple of months ago, I learned of Elon Musk’s new investment in TruthTree, a website that uses machine learning and artificial intelligence to sample your DNA and find your family tree, but truthfully (or truthfultree!) I knew I had to try it out! Just recently I received my results to find out that I am actually 69% tree on my mother’s side, meaning I am, irrevocably, a tree. What significance does this have? Quite a lot actually. I deserve to be standing side by side by my brothers and sisters as they glow for the world to see. 

We have an intimate connection 

To make the best out of the tree lighting ceremony, it is important that the one who lights up the trees has a special connection with them. Not just anyone can tickle their branches or ruffle their leaves, it requires a touch of an experienced professional, such as I. Since the beginning of my freshman year, I have spent the time to become well acquainted with all of the College Walk trees, so much so that I can identify any of them by their taste, touch, scent or even the pattern of their bark. Not only that, but I have written heart-throbbing, emotionally pulling, and intense odes to each and every one of the trees at least once and multiple times for most. The relationship that I have with each of the trees transcends this plane of existence. I have recently discovered a way that I will be able to eternally commune with them, however, that is a story for another day. Surely, if anyone can, I can make the trees put on a good show for everyone tonight.

While this should be more than sufficient enough evidence, I have provided a couple of more points to sell you for sure.

• The trees love me too. They whispered it to me as the wind hissed through their leaves and rattled their branches.
• I have the Guinness World Record for the longest amount of time hugging a tree consecutively, at around 147 hours. I did this while waiting for the John Jay elevator. 
• I have been a leader in the Quantum Tree research field as the first to discover the Heisenberg Uncertaintree Principle relating the amount of leaves to the probability that it is a tree as shown below where gamma is Bark’s constant.

• I want to do it. 

If all fails, I am prepared to take drastic measures if my request is not evaluated with an open and unbiased mind. I love listening to the acapella groups and other performances, but my mission is more important by far. I will rally a crowd and ransack the ceremony if I am not offered the opportunity to light the trees myself. You have been politely warned, Columbia.

Mi familia via Bwog Archives