An exclusive interview with your beloved Barnumbia Mascots…and the finalists who didn’t make the cut. 

—

Roar-ee (Columbia University Mascot):

It’s just…there’s a “before” and an “after,” you know? And you don’t realize you’re in the “before” until…it hits you. And then, suddenly, you’re in the “after,” wondering what the fuck just happened. (Laughs.) Sorry, can I swear on here? 

Millie the Dancing Bear (Barnard College Mascot): 

Oh, God no. No, this wasn’t something I had planned. When you’re a cub, bears will ask what you want to be when you grow up, and you’ll say things like “astronaut” or “teacher” or “National Parks Fire Safety Marshal.” But I never thought about being a college mascot….no. I guess the best things in life take you by surprise.

Butler Bluejay (Rejected Columbia University Mascot): 

You’re kidding. (Scoffs.) They said that? Fuck. I mean, that’s the thing that stings the most, man. Those two fuckers didn’t even want to be mascots. 

Ricky the Riverside Rat (Rejected Columbia University Mascot): 

Columbia University swears they value the local community. But it’s a joke. I’ve lived in Riverside my whole life, and they hired Roar-ee from LA… He told you what? From where? (Laughs.) That man has not stepped a paw inside the Central Park Zoo. 

Polly the Singing Bear (Rejected Barnard College Mascot): 

People don’t really know this, but I was the one who told Millie that Barnard was looking for mascots. She wouldn’t have even known about the audition if not for me. We went to the same performing arts high school. But have you heard her mention me once? Fame…it’s fickle. It changes people. 

Millie the Dancing Bear (Barnard College Mascot): 

Polly had been prepping for the audition for months. Yeah, she was sweet. A cute cub. Followed me around school. You could tell she really wanted to make it big. Be the next Fozzie or Pooh. But some bears…well. You either have it or you don’t. 

Roar-ee (Columbia University Mascot): 

They held auditions in a Hamilton classroom. God, that day feels like centuries ago. I sat in the hallway until they called my name. And when I was up there…there’s a panel of people, and they asked to “see what I could do.” So I did some roaring, some pouncing. I probably shook my mane. Casting directors appreciate authenticity. I was just trying to be myself. You can’t fake mascot-ing. 

Butler Bluejay (Rejected Columbia University Mascot): 

My audition slot was right after Roar-ee’s, so I heard his whole act. It sounded like he was slamming tables, making a fucking scene. He’s always been pretty slapstick. Zero finesse. 

Ricky the Riverside Rat (Rejected Columbia University Mascot): 

Butler? Sure, he’s the right shade of blue. And he’s named after a campus building. But what does that have to do with anything? Here’s the thing… Butler thinks he’s better than everyone just ’cause he’s got a BFA… Oh, and I bet he forgot to tell you that his mommy mascoted for Johns Hopkins, huh? 

Millie the Dancing Bear (Barnard College Mascot): 

The competition was cutthroat, especially for the Columbia mascot role. No disrespect to Roar-ee, obviously. He’s a wonderful colleague. But one of the final contenders…caught my eye. (Laughs.) He had a tight act, very high energy. (Laughs more.) I was young, alright? I watched him on stage…and I don’t know. I could picture him in the Columbia blue, that’s all I’ll say. He would’ve done a good job. I was very young. 

Polly the Singing Bear (Rejected Barnard College Mascot): 

They fucked. Millie and Butler, yeah…oh, “on the record” is fine. It was completely unprofessional. It’s like I said before…Millie didn’t act like she wanted success. Everyone in the mascot industry wants it so badly. And she just…waltzes in. And Butler hated her, by the way. But Butler…was complicated. I thought Ricky was the nicest. 

Ricky the Riverside Rat (Rejected Columbia University Mascot): 

Who wants a singing mascot? Polly was delusional. At least Roar-ee has some charisma. 

Photoshopped Finalists via Bwog Staff