Are you excited about the new boba spot on Barnard’s campus? Well, don’t be. Learn to hate it, like us!

Everything wrong with the new sushi and boba spot:

• This is a Café East knockoff. Barnard girls deserve something more original. The only reason why we can’t go to Café East is that Columbia fears us tote-bag-donners, which is why they had to make this spot.
• Milstein will be an absolute madhouse. The library tables will be cleared for dining and the only noise that will fill the space will be the sound of doc martens stomping to the grounds of the Café East tease.
• Boba is a choking HAZARD! Are they trying to kill us? I personally value my health and I would not like to die swallowing balls. 
• Columbia baddies out of spite will start coming to the new Milstein boba center just to make us Barnarders mad. We deserve boba! We deserve free [read: prepaid with meal plan] boba!
• Why is this literally the third spot on our campus for sushi? Does Barnard want to give us mercury poisoning? And what happened to variety?
• Boba starts with B. What else starts with B? Biden. Who is Biden? The president. Who was the president before Biden? Trump. Checkmate, America. 
• Personally, I am allergic to fish. Yeah, let’s talk about it. Salmon makes me go into anaphylaxis. I can’t be near it. And the fear alone is all-consuming. How will I be able to study when there is tuna nearby?
• They want us to go into debt. Not even a caveman could use the number of meal swipes we have to use and yet they are making us lose all of our scarce and precious meal points for another points-based café. I have already lost enough money to the monopoly of Liz’s Café and their delicious iced vanilla oat lattes. I can’t afford to pay more!
  • COUNTERPOINT: Some might say, I could be more responsible with my money.
  • DEVIL’S ADVOCATE: Money is a made-up concept. Let’s go back to a trading and bartering system! I am here for feudalism’s renaissance. 
• Why are they creating this now? Why? I think the reasoning behind it is malicious. A money laundering scheme. How has the mafia infiltrated Barnard? And how can we stop them?

All in all, the new boba center is not to be made! I cannot stand for it! I will lose too much money and too many points and I cannot support the loss of my resources. Anyways, I hope you enjoy the boba café as we definitely will NOT.

Sincerely,

Your Favorite Debbie Downers (Spencer and Elaine)

Bubble Tea via Wikimedia Commons