The Barnard 600’s dorm is infamous for its little mice problem. Perhaps it’s time to get creative.

“New York City has done a lot recently when it comes to fighting public enemy number one: rats” (Mayor Adams, 2023).

If you were in New York last Spring semester, you may have heard about NYC crowning their first ever Rat Czar last April. What is a Rat Czar, you may ask. The Rat Czar works to reduce the rat population of the city, with Kathleen Corradi being the one to receive the honor. There were a lot of beautiful statements in response to her election. In particular, Mayor Adams declared, “The rats are going to hate Kathy, but we’re excited to have her leading this important effort.” 

However, if you happen to live in Barnard’s dorm 600W, there is another enemy that you are much more likely to face: mice. Located above Shake Shack, 600 is notorious for its mice problem. Living on the highest floor, I thought I was safe from the infestation. Alas, we have had two mice problems this past semester (including a particularly devastating disposal of a baby mouse), and an insider who lives in another suite on the top floor has also had problems with the mice. The evidence points towards the alarming conclusion that nobody in the 600s is safe. There is no one on the frontlines of the 600’s mice war.

It is time to put our best foot forward in this battle against mice. Like New York, we must take the opportunity to elect our very own 600’s Mice Czar to keep our community safe from our biggest, oldest enemies–the mice. They are not to be underestimated, so we must be careful to only let our bravest, strongest warriors on the frontlines of the 600 mice war. We need a 600s Mice Czar, and we need one soon.

What is it that makes a Mice Czar strong and capable? What is behind their unwavering leadership? Several factors are at play here. Worse, with February coming soon, the season of mice love is predicted to hit its peak. We’ve already faced the beginnings of young mice love, with a particular incident in Hewitt hitting too close to home (see figure 1).

Naturally, the Mice Czar should be able to induce mice heartbreak. Mice fear environments where they cannot escape. They get angry if they are forced to compete for space and resources. In this effort to get mice couples angry with each other to dramatically buy a plane ticket to fly away from New York rom-com style, we must use their weaknesses against themselves. There is one place on campus that is filled to the brim with students, encouraging territorial fights over seating areas and paranoia about losing water bottles. A place that becomes hell on Earth during finals season and that has the capacity to pick you apart. That place is Butler Library. 

The Mice Czar must develop a strategy to effectively lead and then trap all the 600 mice in Butler Library. As shown in the picture, mice are attracted to areas with food–particularly grains and foods like cereal. The logical next step is to convince Butcaf to only sell varieties of cereal. Though this may seem like a loss to some, it is a win against the mice, which is what matters most at the end of the day.

Whatever the strategy, we must act, and we must act soon. The 600’s need someone who is fully dedicated to defeating the mice; our very own Mice Czar. A Mice Czar, who sees where the mice czar.

Figure 1 via Sidechat

Barnard mouse via Bwarchives