She has the biggest Barnard Energy of all.

Have you ever looked at someone walking down Broadway and instantly known that person goes to Barnard? Or maybe you are Barnard student and one day, you look in a mirror, realizing you’ve ascended to a higher plane of Barnard understanding. Or maybe you just get misken for a Barnard student a lot. Either way, there are some people on this campus who exude so much Big Barnard Energy that it’s incalculable. We at Bwog applied some complicated algorithms and came up with this fool-proof system to determine if you or someone you love has BBE.

If you suspect yourself or someone you’ve seen of having BBE, start with a base of 10 points and go from there:

• chopped off all their hair after Thanksgiving break (+10)
• made it their goal to only study on Barnard’s campus (+5)
  • studies in Butler (-3)
  • studies in Milstein (misleading) (+0)
• started reading feminist theory two months after arriving on campus (+7)
• takes only Barnard classes (+15)
• has a nose piercing (+2)
• has at least 3 ear piercings (+2, +1 for each additional piercing after that)
• sleeps only in Barnard College merch (+ 3)
• complains about both Columbia’s sign in, and Barnard’s sign out policies (+4)
• wait up to ten minutes for their preferred Diana pizza (+3)
• wondered if they’re allowed to buy Columbia apparel (+1)
• wears plaid shirts at least 5 times a week (+3)
• denim on denim (+2)
  • with black boots (+5)
• complains about how much they hate men and then immediately says “no offense” to the CC boy who’s standing right there (+5)
  • “Men are trash,” no apology (+8)
• complaining about how terrible Hewitt is but is too lazy to cross the street to Ferris (+2)
• “it’s the best of both worlds!!!1!” (+3)
• still owns and uses the Barnard sleeping mask they were sent when they got their acceptance letter (+3)
• always puts the Columbia University geotag on their Snapchats to show they can keep up with CC (-7)
• talks about how people care more about self-care at Barnard than Columbia (+2)
• owns Doc Martens (+1)
• mentions going to meet someone on campus for a buy/sell/trade exchange (+3)
• has a favorite order at Liz’s Place (+2)
• can count guy friends on one hand (+9)
• owns a Fjallraven Kranken (+1)
• has a crush on a male professor (+1)
  • has a crush on, specifically, James Casey of intro bio lab fame (+3)
• has a crush on Margaret Vandenburg or Rachel Eisendrath (+3)
  • has a crush on both Margaret Vandenburg and Rachel Eisendrath (+5)
• goes to Well Woman for the free condoms (+3)
• got deeply into astrology after their first 3 months (+3)
• keeps a running total of how many CC students to whom they’ve explained dinner at the Diana (+4, +1 for every person on the list)
• in a sorority (+4)
• floral tattoo (+6)
• overheard talking about an EC party (+3)
• understands points (+1)
• prefers Mel’s to 1020 (just a first year)

Results

• 0-10 points: They’ve never stepped foot on Barnard’s campus. Actually, they’re not quite sure what that school on the other side of Broadway is, but now it’s too late to ask.
• 10-20 points: They have some nebulous Barnard energy, but generally, people assume they’re a Columbia student, and whether they are or not, they’re okay with it.
• 21-35 points: They’re still pretty hard to trace, could go either way, but you’d feel good putting money on them having attended Barnard at some point, or at least, taking every class they can over there.
• 35-50 points: On the brink of going full Barnard; they never want to step on “the other side of the street” and avoid it at all costs, even if that means eating in Hewitt. If they are a Columbia student, 9 times out of 10 there will be a half-filled out Barnard transfer application somewhere in their hard drive.
• 51+ points: This person is pure Barnard energy. They’ve ascended past the realm of us mere mortals and have become something unknowable, greater than we could ever dream of comprehending. I salute them.

the superior half of broadway via Bwog Archives