Claudia Levey is here to spin us a wise tale of crying in her English professors’ offices.

Name, School, Major, Hometown: Claudia Levey, Barnard, English major, Bethesda, Maryland

Claim to fame: I bartended at 1020 for three years and did a brief stint at Mel’s, too. I’ve seen all of you puking in corners. I know who you made out with last summer. That’s not a threat— but you should definitely stay on my good side, just in case. I also was EIC of the Barnard Bulletin for a while and am one of the current managing editors. If you go to Columbia, that probably means nothing to you. If you go to Barnard, you should join the staff! It’s kind of like Bwog, but even fewer people read it.

Where are you going? Short term? They opened a new deli across from my apartment on 123rd st. I’m heading there soon to get snacks. Long term? How dare you ask me something like that. (Read: Your guess is as good as mine)

What are 3 things you learned at Columbia and would like to share with the Class of 2023?
1. This one might be specific to the Barnard English department, but don’t be afraid to cry in your professors’ office hours. I’ve done a lot of this in the past couple of weeks. They’re surprisingly cool about it.

2. There is a world above 120th street. No one at this school seems to know this, but it’s actually very fun. Worth checking out.

3. On weekends, the 1 train does not go where she says she goes. Do not trust her. She is fueled by lies, and operated by snakes.

“Back in my day…” We had to go all the way to 77th street for Shake Shack. Honestly, we might have been better off like that.

Favorite Columbia controversy? Best nickname for the Milstein Center.

Justify your existence in 30 words or fewer: I took some math classes freshman and sophomore year and was definitely very important in setting the curve. I failed so you all could pass. You’re welcome.

What was your favorite class at Columbia? 4-way tie between every creative writing class I took.

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? Yes.

Whom would you like to thank? Remember when I said I cried in a lot of English professors’ offices this month? Thanks to all of them for not being too weird about that.

One thing to do before graduating: I’d like to meet Barnard’s Former COO, Former Interim President, Current COO Rob Goldberg, if only so I can tell him a joke I came up with. It goes, “if you think about it, isn’t the entire Barnard administration a Rob Goldberg Machine?” I think he’ll find that funny. I’m really proud of that one.

Any regrets? Infinite. As I once told a Barnard English professor while I was crying in her office: I have many, many regrets, but absolutely no shame.