You know it, I know it, we all know it – professors say the darndest things during shopping week. Well, they often say weird shit all year, but it’d be kinda cumbersome if we posted a “shit my professors say” every week. Without further ado, here’s what shopping students had to hear during their first week of classes.

Julie Crawford, Renaissance Literature: 

• “This doesn’t mean I won’t respond to your emails but it’s not my favoritest thingy”
• “It’s full of every sex crime you can imagine…well maybe not every”
• “If you don’t know what philology is, don’t worry. Google it.”
• “Some of you probably noticed that angel sex in Paradise Lost is awesome”
• “Colonization. The gift that keeps on giving”
• “I’m not hazing”
• “England didn’t do anything well in this era. Except, later, colonize and enslave.”

Rachel Moresky, Fundamentals of Global Health: “If you’re not a junkie, you might become one.”

Christian Rojas, Organic Chemistry: “Next time you’re in the Hungarian Pastry Shop, just draw tetrahedra. It’s a great way to meet people.”

Irena Haiduk, Design Designing: “Now we’re going to talk about helvetica, because it’s HELL-vetica”

Adam Reich, The Social World:

• “You’re alone, but you’re not alone in being alone.”
• “This Joe has never fished, and this Joe loves to fish.”

Alex Dimitrov, West to East: The San Francisco Renaissance and the New York School in American Poetry: About a comment a student made on the poet we just read: “Omg he would love that you said that. The worms that ate his body are rejoicing right now.” (later imitating said poet: “I’m a loser and an asshole. Send tweet.”)

David Helfand, Earth, Moon, and Planets: “It is extremely unlikely that a potential mate will want to know how we discover planets around other stars. Unless, of course, he or she wants to send you to one of those planets.”

Thomas Piskula, Intro to Econometrics: “We are probability machine people—entities…be comfortable with your discomfort.” … “If I were sitting in your chair, I’d be thinking…what are these thoughts coming at me? Be comfortable with your discomfort.”

Thankfully not from this semester but honestly what the fuck via Bwarchive