Dan encourages you to build your own community, follow your passions, and steal a Canada Goose while you’re at it.

Name, School, Major, Hometown:
Dan Driscoll / Columbia College / Philosophy / Youngstown, OH

Claim to fame:
Probably looking really mean at the Wien public safety desk for four years. There’s also this section of the tunnels (near Hamilton) where the class year going back a few decades is written on the pipes and, I swear this is true, I’m the one who put “Class of 2020.”

Where are you going?
To cast off the burdens of my own will, to get rid of the weight of my sins, and to gird myself as a powerful man. Also, Cleveland for now.

What are 3 things you learned at Columbia and would like to share with the Class of 2024?

1. Columbia is not going to foster community for you—you have to do it yourself. There is no such thing as “finding” a group of friends. I recommend you go searching for the people you want to surround yourself with, and then make the active effort to bring those people together. The same is true for interests, clubs, or initiatives. More often than not, the administration will be a hindrance to the work you are trying to do, especially if it is critical of the university or calls them out for not upholding their obligations to students or the community. It’s tough to bring people together, and when it doesn’t happen it can make you feel really bad. Just remember that people at Columbia are used to devoting their free time to resume building and side projects. Be the person who reminds others that a B+ is way above average, that the Fro Sci and Music Hum exams just don’t matter at all (failing you would be more trouble than it’s worth), that its ok to be bad at a new skill, and that we shouldn’t take ourselves too seriously. And press on. I can’t tell you how many times I tried to make a new friend, only to be ghosted and relegated to *weird soft smile and slight wave outside of Butler*. But once you find your people—whether a group of friends, an interest or identity club, or a service group—be the one making the effort to keep it all together. It really only takes the charisma of one individual to maintain a given community.
2. Take these couple of years to determine what you’re actually passionate about, not what you think would look best on a resume. That doesn’t mean you have to know by the end of college—I still don’t know what I’ll end up doing ten years from now, but the quest continues. At the end of the day, the people handing out jobs and scholarships would prefer to see you switch majors a couple times if it means you’re actually interested in what you’re pursuing, rather than committing to a pre professional track. Please, please do not chicken out junior year and start going to the banking / consulting seminars (unless, I guess, if your family actually needs the money).
3. You would not believe how easy it is for anyone who has ever worked a job in their life to distinguish between those who have served and those who have been served. For four years, I observed how my classmates treated the housing, dining, medical services, and facilities staff. I listened when others said “They can clean it up / It’s their job / They get paid for it.” I watched, mouth agape, as a boy in my own year called an adult woman behind the counter in John Jay a b***h to her face. I drilled that kid’s name and face into my brain; I will remember him for a lifetime. People are watching. They notice how you treat others, especially those who you take to be beneath you. Also recognize that anyone who takes Columbia’s campus to be a place of work rather than a place of study is already infinitely wiser than you could hope to be after 4 years of an ‘elite education.’

“Back in my day…”
People used to talk about the Manhattanville expansion like it was something we could prevent, or at least attempt to repair. I feel like over the course of my college career, people became more and more resigned to the administration’s oversight. I implore you to keep in mind that Columbia is a hedge fund first, a landlord second, and countless other things before it is an institution of learning—or a home, for that matter. No matter how much concern they nominally have for their students, Columbia is a for-profit BUSINESS. Notice that most of the people making campus feel like an actual home are the above mentioned housing, dining, healthcare, and facilities staff. 

Favorite Columbia controversy?
Hahahah when the F@CU (the student board who allocates funds to student groups) tried to cut funding to volunteer groups on campus because they “couldn’t see how it benefited students.” To all the proponents of defunding the Housing Equity Project: I’m sorry, I cannot explain why you should give a shit about other people. Alternatively, I loved watching the rise and fall of meme stars on the buy sell page. Stan Liao, if you’re reading this, I hope your time in the sunshine never ends. Also when the CU Republicans claimed they were being censured on Fox News because students opposed their sensationalist and white supremacist speaker series. Also learning about the “secret senior societies,” the Sachems and the Nacoms (peep their WikiCU page), who play at being shadowy elites pulling the strings on campus, and who will likely have me assassinated for exposing them here.

What was your favorite class at Columbia?
Badminton PE. Also Medieval Economic Life  & Thought with Joel Kaye. 

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese?
This question gave me lactose intolerance.

Whom would you like to thank?
Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy, caffeine, St. Francis, Gustavo Dominguez, and Spencer from the Dean’s Disciplinary Office for not suspending me. In all seriousness, I’d also like to thank my siblings.

One thing to do before graduating:
Steal a Canada Goose from Senior Night and feed it to the raccoons in Riverside.

Any regrets?
Not generating more of a twitter following: @punk_francis, for all your emo / screamo updates. Also I regret every 8:40 I signed up for, and most of the 10:10’s.