We all have our fair share of opinions when it comes to which Columbia alumni are the best but when it comes to blows, who are you betting on?

  1. Joseph Gordon-Levitt vs. Timothee Chalamet. 

This one would actually be quite hard to watch, not because it would be violent, but because neither of them can fight. Also, because they’re both so polite, I highly doubt they’d ever hurt each other. Still, Joseph has a bit of an edge as it appears Timothee’s iron deficiency is more severe. What’s he gonna do anyway, give a teary-eyed monologue, and still get shown up by Lohanthony? Joseph wins!

  1. Jake Gyllenhaal vs. Ezra Koenig 

Again, I suspect these two are lovers rather than fighters, but with Jake’s unpredictability (and general craziness), I just know he’s the type to bite. Gyllenhall wins. 

  1. Lauryn Hill vs. Alicia Keys 

I almost feel bad setting Alicia up like this but come on. With her whole “peace and love” thing, she’s definitely not winning this fight. Lauryn will be late to the fight without a doubt, but she won’t need much time to win, even against Alicia’s pitchy notes.  

  1. Anna Paquin vs. Julia Stiles 

Although Julia Stiles’ part as Kat in 10 Things makes you think she can fight, her dancing in Save the Last Dance says otherwise. Also, something about Anna Paquin’s gap tooth makes me think she scraps. Anna wins. 

  1. Blair Waldorf vs. Meghan McCain 

These women both come from money, meaning neither of them can physically fight. This will be a hair-pulling, my-lawyer-will-hear-about-this kinda brawl. Still, Blair knows how to hit Meghan where it hurts. Blair wins and Meghan makes some angry tweets about it. 

  1. Greta Gerwig vs. Jenny Slate 

The battle of the mumblecore bitches. I actually had to think long and hard about this one considering they both definitely cannot fight, but my gut ultimately says, Jenny. Besides, Greta needs to channel her strength towards leaving her Marriage Story-directing partner. Sorry Greta, loved you in No Strings Attached!

And for the grand finale…

  1. Martha Stewart vs. James Franco 

Let’s get real. Martha Stewart has done time in federal prison. Probably in some cushy cell with cable tv and finger sandwiches, but she still had time to think strategy. For some reason, I think James Franco is exactly the person whose ass she wants to beat. And what is James gonna do, text an underage girl to help him? Martha wins with no problem.

Image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons