Every year, Columbia College students are subjected to the Literature Humanities curriculum. Today, I will answer the question we have all been secretly asking ourselves: which “Gilgamesh” character is the most smashable? I have compiled an exhaustive reasoning for each character in a frat flu-induced haze.

Gilgamesh: Pass

In the epic, Gilgamesh’s proportions are described oddly in-depth. Like, weirdly in depth. According to modern measurements, Gilgamesh would be about 18 feet tall. I’m no mathematician, so I could be way off base, but if the average man is about 68 inches tall and has a 6-inch long penis (to be generous) then, by those same proportions, that would mean that Gilgamesh has a 19-incher. I won’t judge you if you think this is smashable; however, I value my health and well-being. It’s going to be a pass for me. 

Enkidu: Smash

Enkidu would wear Carhartt and drink iced lattes with soy milk if he were alive today. I just know that he’s run his Birkenstock Bostons into the ground. He is here to serve cunt, literally and figuratively. He is everything you wanted from your fling with that one NYU boy that you never got. Not to mention, his seven-day-long love-fest with Shamhat proves that he can handle anything you throw at him. He’s truly here to please. He would be a gentle lover. I’m not sure how I know that, but I know. Deep in my soul, I know. Smash. 

Shamhat: Smash

I genuinely don’t see a good reason to pass on Shamhat. She’s an incredibly powerful priestess capable of civilizing Enkidu through good sex, good clothing, and good food. This is hedonist heaven. She’s sensuous, she’s intelligent, and she’s cultured. I would let her ruin my life. Smash. No questions. 

Utnapishtim: Pass

Not to get too personal here on Bwog, but I find the thought of my death just a tiny bit disturbing. If I smashed Utnapishtim, he would try to spark up a conversation on the inevitability of my own slowly encroaching death as pillow talk. Talk about a turn-off. Pass. 

Humbaba: Pass 

Listen, I get it. Some of you are freaks. Humbaba’s appearance isn’t described super in-depth, so some of you would probably take your chances. Some of you would probably recognize that Gilgamesh and Enkidu were the bad guys in destroying the cedar forest, and Humbaba was just trying to protect it. Some of you would probably begin to wonder whether or not his appearance is even relevant because doesn’t beauty come from the soul? Some of you would appreciate how eco-friendly he is. Some of you would sympathize with the betrayal he must have felt when Enkidu killed him. Some of you would probably recognize his humanity under his layers of demon-ness. Despite these assessments, I am going to pass… for now… 

Ishtar: Smash

This is a controversial take amongst my friends and I, but I would personally be honored to smash a powerful goddess. I’ve also established that I wouldn’t smash Gilgamesh, so why would I trust his opinion of her? She’s literally the goddess of love and fertility. She also happens to be the goddess of war, but hey, I like a woman with a hobby. Admittedly, she does punish her mortal lovers. However, I would simply be better. She would be so in love with me that she forgot all about that little quirk of hers. By not smashing her, you are just admitting your own weakness. Smash.

Gilgamesh, Tablet XI via Wikimedia Commons