A morally ambiguous guide to getting the most from your dining plan

Are you low on meal swipes? Did you buy Columbia Dining’s cheapest plan (100 meals per term) despite the fact that you do not cook and cannot afford to eat off campus? Look no further: with these hacks, your dining plan can stretch to feed even the most gluttonous Barnumbian.

Everyone knows the classic trick—turn the dining hall into your very own grocery store. Stuff your backpack with JJ’s popcorn. Better yet, grab 17 bananas on your way out. Fill your Owala with coffee. Shove a cookie in your pocket.

Some more sophisticated plotting, however, can get you full, hot meals whenever you desire. A friend of mine (who chooses to remain anonymous) has become the master of finessing Columbia Dining. As of October 10, he had only 61 meal swipes left for the term. But this crafty sophomore will not go hungry! Instead, he swipes into JJ’s, stays for literally hours, and eats “4 to 5 meals.” In one sitting he goes through fries, quesadillas, two to three burgers, tater tots, chicken wings…

Alas, you may have a busy schedule and no time to camp out. Instead, try attending as many free food events as possible. Hit “Impact Investing Lunch & Learn” for a midday meal and swing by “Pizza Chat with Applied Analytics Professors” for dinner. Great culinary variety, and you will become super involved on campus.

A universally beloved lifesaver is the massive Chef Mike’s sub. Cut in half, it can make for two meals. As my JJ’s-fanatical friend suggests, you can get as many toppings as is structurally possible to fit between two slices of bread. And if you’re really devious, you can steal an extra cookie and bag of chips (but you didn’t hear it from me).

You can also beg your friends for charity swipes. Surely someone you know has a plan with weekly swipes. By the time the weekend rolls around, they might have a few extra left…Don’t let those go to waste! A little philanthropy won’t do your buddy any harm.

If all else fails:

• Have a friend, ostensibly enjoying their John Jay meal outside, bring you an extra plate of food (you are hiding in the bushes)
• Discreetly nibble a few crumbs of every item in your roommate’s mini fridge
• Sneak into the first floor of Ferris by scaling the side of Lerner and crawling onto the balcony
• Snatch a Fac Shack bag from an unwitting freshman and run
• Don a chef’s toque, stick on a black handlebar mustache, and stroll into Hewitt posing as ze French chef zat has just been hired

Happy munching!

John Jay Dining Hall via Bwarchives