Who says pest control can’t be fun?

I believe 600 is one of the best Barnard dorm buildings. That said, there are consequences to living over a Shake Shack, especially when you live on one of the lower floors (like me) and all the creatures are seeking warmth from the incoming cold. A mouse has been darting under the beds of my suitemates and peeking its nose in our showers. The no-kill traps we bought to catch it constantly shut on their own, and we have large moral qualms with the sticky traps residential life offered to provide us with. 

So, while myself and my suitemates have not successfully rid our home of mice, we have fantasized about many ways we could get rid of them, given enough time and resources. Some of my ideas are compiled here, for you to try on your own unwanted furry guests.

  1. Take the mouse into Bushwick.

Opponents of no-kill traps have told me that even if you do catch the mouse, they know where their homes are and will eventually just come back. However, I’m confident that given enough distance they will be too confused to return, and will make a new home with the hipsters instead. So bring the little guy on the downtown L train and jump back on the uptown one before he knows what happened. Of course, this assumes that you’re able to catch the mouse in the first place, but I have more confidence in you, reader, than I do myself.

  1. Put one of those lab assistants who handles mice to work.

When I was a part of SRI 2023, I met a bunch of Barnard students at one of the events whose whole job in their lab was to handle and, eventually, euthanize the mice they performed experiments on. Surely at one point one of these mice escaped its enclosure and these students were forced to find a way to eliminate it or risk losing future recommendation letters. Given a few hours in a suite, with only one mouse to find, I bet they’d work wonders. Lab assistants with mouse-handling experiences should name their price in the comments.

  1. (IN NOVEMBER/DECEMBER ONLY) Play mouse repellent sounds.

This one I actually have tried, and while the high-pitched sound could probably provoke insanity given enough time, I have not seen our resident mouse since. The reason I warn to only do it in in the final two months of the year is that this will show up in your Spotify history, and your Wrapped could have some very interesting statistics.

  1. Buy the game Mouse Trap and modify it to be lethal.

Tell someone you bought a mouse trap to kill a mouse and no one bats an eye. Tell them you bought Mouse Trap and society goes wild. Some ideas include metal spikes on the stairs, or poison in the little bucket.

  1. Lead the mouse into the suite of an opp.

Finally, you can make use of those awkward sightings of that person you hate in your building’s lobby. Once you know their floor and suite number, set up a trail of crumbs leading from the last place you saw the mouse to their door. The only issue is that this can totally be done back to you, so you may want to invest in one of those door draft stoppers or security cameras.

I hope you give these ideas a try. Happy hunting!

Header image via Bwarchives