Gimme the damn remote.

I was once a Hewitt hater. And then they got ice cream. Suddenly, I forgot the comically tiny portions and overstimulating environment just for the sweet sweet taste of a chocolate and vanilla swirl ice cream cone.

However, there is one major improvement that I’m dying to see. I want to change the channel! There are 4 TVs on one wall and one on the other. Please peruse my proposed TV guides below, and then immediately email Barnard Dining to make these changes permanent. Thank you in advance.

Middle School Lineup

TV 1: CNN 10. Remember when your middle school history teacher said “this will certainly get them to shut up for ten minutes” and then made you watch CNN 10? Yeah that’s going on TV 1 now. Perhaps Hewitt will be quieter and more informed.

TV 2: Don’t Hug Me, I’m Scared. WARNING! If you’ve never seen those horrific YouTube videos, do not go watch them now. They scarred me at age 13 and I have never been the same since. That being said, they are now required viewing in Hewitt. Sorry!

TV 3: Potter Puppet Pals. As a reformed annoying seventh grader, this took up a lot of my brain space. “Snape, Snape, Severus Snape. Dumbledore!” was on repeat at my middle school lunch table and I don’t see why Hewitt should be any different.

TV 4: Dodie’s old YouTube videos. Ukulele and all.

TV 5: Five Minute Crafts. It certainly wasn’t just me who was really into hot glue as a kid, right?

Brainrot Lineup

All TVs are either Subway Surfers or Minecraft Gameplay with Reddit AITA storytime voiceovers.

Little Women (2019)

TV 1: “I just feel like women, they have minds, they have souls, as well as just hearts. And they’ve got ambition and they’ve got talent, as well as just beauty. And I’m so sick of people saying that love is just all a woman is fit for. I’m so sick of it. But I’m so lonely.”

TV 2: “Just because my dreams are different than yours doesn’t mean they’re unimportant.”

TV 3: “It’s no use Jo; we’ve got to have it out…”

TV 4: “I’m not a poet. I’m just a woman.”

TV 5: Just Beth dying.

My Personal Favorites

TV 1: Cupcake Wars. Find me a Barnard student who didn’t have a strong personal connection to Cupcake Wars as a child. I dare you.

TV 2: SNL highlights. Across every season!

TV 3: New Girl, Nick and Jess’s first kiss scene. Those who know, know.

TV 4: Paddington 2. It’s the greatest movie of all time.

TV 5: Baby Fruit Sensory Videos. Because sometimes it’s too stressful, crowded, and loud. Let the dancing fruit calm you down.

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