The Answer Is Almost Always Smash, Smash, Smash.

Columbia’s statues have watched generations of students lose sleep and sanity over situationships. But how would they fare in the catastrophe that is campus dating? We’re putting the University’s most recognizable faces to the ultimate test: SMASH OR PASS. So without further ado, let’s meet our raunchy roster, one swipe at a time.

1: SMASH

I think we can all agree he was given the title of God for a reason. If he was a book character, his sheer size would have readers forgetting the plot by chapter two. Personally, I love a man who can do it all. Not only does he a have a talent for using his mouth, and I’m talking about making music, obviously, so get your heads out of the gutter. But also, he clearly knows his way around the gym. If he ever needed something to bench press, I would gladly volunteer

2: SMASH

In her role as Big Mother, you can bet she’s mommy material, too. I’d wager that her commanding presence in the chair isn’t the only thing she likes to dominate. Let’s just say she gives serious Red Room energy. Additionally, the open book on her lap suggests she’s a reader, but it’s giving Wattpad rather than academia. As her crown suggests, she’s a #BDSMQween. Christian Grey might have some competition on his hands.

3: PASS

Not to yuck anyone’s yum, but bestiality isn’t my cup of tea. That said, if I were a lion, you better believe I’d be roaring. However, I think his status as “King of the Bush” might be the undoing of our relationship. As a naturally jealous person, I’d struggle with people’s desperate need to ride him for satirical photos. Sorry, but if I’m his queen, isn’t that my domain. The only bush he should be king of is mine.

4. PASS

While this may be a hot take, I’m not sure I’d trust this man to pleasure his significant other. He claims to be 6’1″, but with all that hunching, I have to wonder how accurate his measurements really are. If he is willing to lie about his height, what other anatomy is he downplaying? Clearly, he doesn’t live by the moto that bigger is always better. I’m also getting the feeling he’s hiding something based on his cowered shoulders. Perhaps a secret mommy kink or a desire to submit? Either way, you can tell you’d be doing all the work, in the relationship, of course.

That’s a wrap on our Columbia lineup, but the final verdict is yours. Would you Smash or Pass these campus icons? Let us know in the comments!

Drawings via Bwog Staff