“You need to attend a concert. A classical concert. No…” [strokes chin] “No Spice Girls. I know, they’re coming here next week, but it’s all sold out—but they added another show, but that’s sold out too. Anyway, you’re all too old for that stuff.”

–Carl Bettendorf, Music Humanities

It’s the first week of spring semester, and that means welcoming remarks from Columbia’s finest minds. E-mail bwgossip@columbia.edu, or post a comment, if you hear anything funny, surreal, demented, horrifying, or otherwise memorable.