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Less than a week after the start of CU Assassins,169 of the 240 agents have fallen, with more soon to come. Dissapointingly, the death reports show few exotic locations. Probably the closest to an exception is this all-caps report:
Deceased: Red Devil
Time of Death: Tuesday, February 27 at 09:39 AM
Location: A GATED COMMUNITY
Summary of Death: THE BOURGEOIS KILLER WILL NOT STOP UNTIL EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU BLOOD, SWEAT, AND SURPLUS-VALUE SUCKING VERMIN ARE WIPED OFF THE FACE OF THE PLANET.
For a show of equality, however, another killer eliminated a more helpful member of society
Deceased: Havarti
Time of Death: Thursday, February 22 at 11:48 PM
Location of Death: St. Luke’s-Roosevelt Hospital
Summary of Death: After I infiltrated St.Luke’s posing as Agent Havarti’s friend, an unsuspecting doctor led me through the ER straight to my victim and even pointed him out to me. I made certain my target and approached for the kill. He now joins the ranks of those he had so kindly attended to as a volunteer. Oh, the irony.
Cruel tricks did not all involve hospitals
Deceased: The Russian
Time of Death: Friday, February 23 at 02:03 AM
Location of Death: John Jay 8 Bathroom
Summary of Death: Killer pretended to be drunk and throwing up in toilet… victim kindly offered water… left to room to get water… came back.. dead. end
While some reports were so boring that they had to be true, others were clearly fictionalized. Of those, this was the best.
Deceased: Naptime
Time of Death: Sunday, February 25 at 12:42 AM
Location of Death: Carman
Summary of Death: Assassin dressed up in drag and posted up on corner outside of carman. Agent Naptime, predictably, propositioned the disguised assassin for a good time. Needless to say, naptime learned his lesson for such lewd behavior.
Finally, this kill report got the reward for concise wording that actually said something.
Deceased: Cardinal
Time of Death: Sunday, February 25 at 09:49 PM
Location of Death: Spec office
Summary of Death: Didn’t you remember? I’m retired.
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14 Comments
@kill reports are some of the most fun things to read.
@cuassassins more kill reports at secure.cuengineering.com
@spellcheck? it’s “disappointing”. please.
@Clementine What is the address of the kill report website?
@Tom Red Devil, that’s me. My suitemate shot me in my sleep. He’s the bourgeois, not me! Mofo. I’m not a bougie, I’m just french.
@Anonymous Ok, you CU Assassins really know how to enjoy yourself. but you definitely take it way to far when every single word that comes out of your mouth for the week pertains to the game. SHUT UP! No one cares about that crap and have better things to do. kthanksbye.
@suck penis much?
@you know Perhaps if I were feeling exceptionally lonely and vunerable you’d get your additional 15/16 sex, Agent Naptime. That means you are going to have to work harder to destroy my self-esteem. It’s been a long time since you last told me, “You’re a horrible person,” and, “No one will ever love you.”
@you know RIP Agent Naptime. If only you had accepted my offer of 1/16 sex you might have been just satisfied enough to avoid walking into an obvious trap…
@naptime that’s 15/16 too little for me… feel free to drop by if you’re willing to give me a sex-pay anticipation loan on the rest
@sorry but the greatest bond was, is and ever shall be Sean Connery. End of discussion.
Continue to disagree and you may find yourself both shaken and stirred.
@DHI Connery was the greatest Bond, but Moore was the funnest Bond.
@roger moore …the greatest bond!
@finally Finally! Some Assassins coverage!