– “Columbia,” the pre-feminism female personification of America, and where Columbia’s name comes from

As the coda to today’s various Columbus Day posts, we present a column from Andrea Peyser of the New York Post, who is NOT HAPPY that Columbia is having classes today. Her words in bold, our thoughts in between.

I wish everyone a happy and joyous Columbus Day.

Thanks!

That is, unless you attend Columbia University,

Oh…

that lefty Ivy campus uptown that is — holy irony! — named for none other than Christopher Columbus himself.

Next week: “why don’t George Washington students wear false teeth?”

Today, city schoolkids, government offices, courts and your mailman take a day off to honor the guy who paved the way for modern civilization. But at Columbia, classes are running as usual, as a wimpy administration, I have learned,

By using a strange device known as “the academic calendar.”

conducts a stealth ban on Columbus.

If only they gave some other days off in exchange…

Rather than nuke the holiday, Columbia ignores it. That is, Columbia simply wishes Columbus Day would go away.

Nuking something > ignoring something. Got it.

Social critics say there exists a war on Christmas, with a manger dismantled at the Staten Island Mall, religious music removed from schools in Maplewood, NJ, and — for goodness’ sake — red and green napkins prohibited on school tables in Plano, Texas.

Why can’t stores start selling Christmas merchandise in September like Jesus intended?

But I would venture to say that the war on Columbus Day is far more virulent.

Second in virulence, of course, only to the “War on High Prices.”

While no one would dare malign the Christian savior,

Wait, what was that whole “War on Christmas” paragraph about?

shouts of “murderer” have long been carpet-bombing the Italian explorer who stumbled on the Americas, thereby setting the stage for the creation of penicillin,

Invented by a Scot

malls

Invented in the Middle East

and Twitter.

Oh, good, 1 for 3!

Just this spring, Brown University in Rhode Island became the latest fuzzy-headed

Leave the Muppets out of this!

institution to declare the celebration of Columbus Day “inconsistent with the university’s values.” To hoots of derision, Brown renamed the three-day holiday “Fall Weekend.” Brown follows the lead of such fine municipalities as Berkeley, Calif., which rid itself of Columbus Day back in 1992, and celebrates each year with a powwow.

Having fun is un-American!

But at Columbia, the only recognition of the day is a free barbecue thrown by the College Republicans.

“We simply want to mark Columbus Day and to celebrate his positive actions and keep the day from silently passing the university by,” said Derek Turner, director of communications for Columbia’s Republicans.

Nothing wrong with anything that gets us free food.

He said his group does not excuse the crimes of Columbus, such as spreading disease and slavery to the native population. A population that, no one wants to admit, practiced slavery itself.

Ha, those Westerners gave them a taste of their own medicine! Well, except when they got sick.

However, Columbus’ arrival in the Western World “marked the establishment of the United States — the nation that today is actively fighting slavery in other countries of the world,” he said.

Lady Macbeth projected less guilt.

Turner said he was disappointed not to see any mention of Columbus Day on campus, other than some large protest banners “describing the Columbus-inspired holocaust.”

Yes, posters reading “Indigenous People’s Day” automatically mean “holocaust.” Alan Grayson wasn’t this over-the-top.

I called Columbia to ask how a campus that detests Columbus justifies giving a forum to Iranian madman Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. No one got back to me.

Probably that pesky “we don’t talk to people who think penicillin was an American invention” policy.

Virtually no public institutions in the five boroughs are open today. The CUNY system is closed. Fifth Avenue halts for the Columbus Day Parade.

Traffic has never moved faster.

Only the private NYU, Columbia’s kissing cousin in correctness, is joining it in holding classes today. Even Brown is closed.

Because they don’t have Election Day off…

Had Columbus never set foot in the West, Columbia University would never have been created. And political correctness would not exist.

Huh?

Thanks a lot, Columbus.

– JCD