What to Do When Your Parents are Coming to Dinner

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Ah, it’s once again that marvelous time of year when  you have two midterms next week, Saturday will be wasted in drunken revelry, and…oh yeah, your parents are in town. If, like us, you’ve spent the past week panicking and trying to hide half the stuff in your room, these tips should give you a hand.

Your room:

  • Blow up condoms into welcome balloons for your parents.
  • Cover posters referencing sex, drugs, or alcohol with something more appropriate, like a Sesame Street poster.
  • Throw your cigarettes on your roommate’s desk as your parents walk in. Tell them she stole the pack from a friend to help him stop smoking.
  • Put your fake at the bottom of a box of tampons.

Your drugs:

  • Put water and fresh flowers in your bong.
  • Find loose buttons to put in all of your empty baggies.
  • Pour your vodka into an empty water bottle (just like in middle school).
  • Febreze all surfaces every two hours in anticipation of their arrival.

If you’re getting laid:

  • Buy an extra pillow to cover bedpost notches.
  • Make sure all of the clothes on your floor are actually yours.
  • Put stuffed animals over stains on your bedspread.
  • Hide condoms, your lingerie collection, handcuffs, and sex toys in a drawer. Or just put them on your roommate’s side of the room.

If you’re not getting laid:

  • Remove all tissues and lotion from within arm’s reach of your bed/desk/chair.
  • Save all of your porn in a folder called “Research for Gender Studies Class.”

Emergency Measures:

  • Prepare activities for your parents far from your Morningside Heights bubble (the Ellis Island ferry takes up a large chunk of time).
  • Know when all of Columbia’s official parents’ events take place, and insist that they attend.
  • Warn your friends in advance that your parents will be on campus. Drunk/high/naked first impressions aren’t the best.
  • Change your iPhone settings to not display content of notifications; inappropriate texts and messages always come at the worst times.
  • Try to remember stories of fun things you’ve done in the past few weeks when you weren’t drunk or high. Parents love stories.

Surprises via Shutterstock.

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  1. Anonymous  

    It's a shame I don't actually have any friends to introduce them to...

  2. ew  

    how about you just wash your stained sheets?

    • Anonymous  

      They're just gonna get stained again, because I be fucking bitches all night every night! OHHHHHH!

      But really I agree. WASH YOUR SHEETS PEOPLE. My roommate last year washed his sheets once the entire year because he accidentally told his girlfriend that he had never washed them before and she forced him to. Otherwise, they probably never would have been washed.

  3. The Dark Hand  

    also maek sure they don't accidentally come in contact with any copies of spec

  4. The Light Foot  

    U kno sum people don't have parents visitng and posts liek this make dem crey ;_;

  5. The Beige Buttcrack

    I agree

  6. It  

    Makes me sad reading this shit because I don't do drugs and am not getting laid, and neither are my friends. Columbia stop pretending to be fun.

  7. middle school?

    bwog started young

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