Ah, it’s once again that marvelous time of year when you have two midterms next week, Saturday will be wasted in drunken revelry, and…oh yeah, your parents are in town. If, like us, you’ve spent the past week panicking and trying to hide half the stuff in your room, these tips should give you a hand.
- Blow up condoms into welcome balloons for your parents.
- Cover posters referencing sex, drugs, or alcohol with something more appropriate, like a Sesame Street poster.
- Throw your cigarettes on your roommate’s desk as your parents walk in. Tell them she stole the pack from a friend to help him stop smoking.
- Put your fake at the bottom of a box of tampons.
- Put water and fresh flowers in your bong.
- Find loose buttons to put in all of your empty baggies.
- Pour your vodka into an empty water bottle (just like in middle school).
- Febreze all surfaces every two hours in anticipation of their arrival.
If you’re getting laid:
- Buy an extra pillow to cover bedpost notches.
- Make sure all of the clothes on your floor are actually yours.
- Put stuffed animals over stains on your bedspread.
- Hide condoms, your lingerie collection, handcuffs, and sex toys in a drawer. Or just put them on your roommate’s side of the room.
If you’re not getting laid:
- Remove all tissues and lotion from within arm’s reach of your bed/desk/chair.
- Save all of your porn in a folder called “Research for Gender Studies Class.”
- Prepare activities for your parents far from your Morningside Heights bubble (the Ellis Island ferry takes up a large chunk of time).
- Know when all of Columbia’s official parents’ events take place, and insist that they attend.
- Warn your friends in advance that your parents will be on campus. Drunk/high/naked first impressions aren’t the best.
- Change your iPhone settings to not display content of notifications; inappropriate texts and messages always come at the worst times.
- Try to remember stories of fun things you’ve done in the past few weeks when you weren’t drunk or high. Parents love stories.
Surprises via Shutterstock.