Nobody Asked Tats: Relationship Edition
Written by Tatini Mal-Sarkar
Want some really god-awful advice that will probably ruin your life? Never fear, Tat is here! Our trusty features editor is back with another installment on the many trials and tribulations of the average college student. Man, you guys have interesting problems!!
Seeker of advice from “Tats” here. I appreciated the advice on rushing, and thought I would inquire with a dilemma of my own. I’m in an open relationship and need help creating rules or guidelines around the situation. I like that we’re open, but I don’t know how to avoid jealousy when others are invited in by my partner, or how to assuage my partner’s potential concerns when I am with someone else. Got any tips, guidance, or drugs of choice for me?
Thanks a million,
Hottie w/a Cyber Body
Dear Hottie w/a Cyber Body,
Hey, I am so glad my rush advice helped you out!! I’ve gotten really good feedback on all the outfits suggested, particularly prom night, so honestly I’m pretty unsurprised that you appreciated it. Nonetheless, just as Alice appreciated the Nobel, who am I to debase my fans? Columbia, I am here for you.
That said, I feel like you could definitely use some work on your moniker creativity. I’m thinking about running a workshop about this at some point — would you be interested? Like, I like what you’re trying to do, but something about hottie with a cyber body just rubs me the wrong way; are you only hot online? Or are you a smokin’ babe on all platforms? If the second, let’s OK Cupid connect. I feel we’ve got so much in common already.
On to your query: as the resident relationship expert here at Bwog, perhaps even Columbia, I feel uniquely qualified to answer your question. I don’t mean to brag, but as someone in pretty perpetual demand, I’m here to tell you there’s one more member of our highly sought-after posse. And that member is no other than homeboy Kanye. So, without further ado, I present to you, dear Hottie, the ten six commandments of open relationships, closed relationships, fake relationships, and imaginary relationships, as set forth by the belabored, belied, but above all beloved Yeezy.
I am a god, so hurry up with my damn massage. In a French-ass restaurant, hurry up with my damn croissants. (I Am A God)
This exquisite exhibit of modern poetry demonstrates the number one maxim of the modern relationship: I am a god. You, Hottie, are a god. Regardless of source — your new boo, your long-term bae, or the really cute senior you’ve been pretend-dating for the last month — expect nothing less than the finest massage, the finest cuisine, and the finest pastries. You deserve it.
Your titties, let ‘em out, free at last, thank God almighty, they free at last. (I’m In It)
Once again, Kanye hits the nail on the head. The crux of any relationship, one might say, is free titties. Set them free! Screw the patriarchy! Release your soul, and with it your breasts!
Who’s the new perv that’s tryna play second fiddle? (That’s My Bitch)
It’s okay, Hottie, no matter how hard you try to feign nonchalance, I know your secret: you’re jealous. It is, alas, one of the universal truths of open relationships; you will both pretend to give zero shits and then secretly give infinite shits. You will bore/piss off all of your friends by exclusively talking about the dude whose tweets she favorites nonstop. Screw them. As Kanye so sagely pronounces, they are a “perv” anyway.
The same people that tried to blackball me forgot about two things: my black balls. (Gorgeous)
Don’t let her forget about your big black balls.
We above the law, we don’t give a fuck by y’all, but since they all lovers, I need more rubbers. (So Appalled)
Even Yeezy wants you to practice safe sex, kiddos. Even in your dreams.
I always had a Ph. D – a pretty huge dick. (Breathe In Breathe Out)
Look, at the end of the day, you know what really matters: education. And by that, I mean dicks.
So, Hottie, I hope that helped!! Remember, relationships are hard, and so are dicks. Don’t be one.