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Your friends: a dramatic (p)reacreation
We here at Bwog hold certain principles. Among these: nothing brings people closer together than drinking. But as a Columbia kid, you are well aware of an even higher principle: there is nothing better than being the smartest person in the room. Not even community. In honor of that last principle, we here at Bwog offer you the “Republican Debate Drinking Game” Drinking Game, so as your friends come together by playing a drinking game based on the debate, you can feel superior to them by playing a drinking game based on their behavior while watching the debate. Rules are tailored to the typical Columbia evening.
1. Finish your first drink if the room can’t decide why they are watching the debate. Is it hatewatching? Everyone seems too angry for this to be ironic… Good citizenship, maybe?
2. Take a sip of your drink if your friend asks everyone if they’ve listened to that Bernie Sanders NPR interview he’s sent around. We get it Harry: you burn for the Bern.
3. Take a big sip of your drink if a candidate makes what is actually a fairly eloquent point, and it is met with a smattering of applause on screen and a confused silence in the room.
4. Do a shot if one of your friends gets enraged in the first 15 minutes and storms out.
5. Take a sip of your drink if someone makes a joke about how male/white everyone on screen is. Finish your drink uncomfortably if you realize how male/white everyone in your room is.
6. Stop drinking if your friends get into a conversation about race in America! What are you even doing leaving the debate on? Turn off your TV and listen. This is why you came to Columbia and you probably won’t ever get the same chance to have these conversations again. God you love this school.
7. Pour a shot on the ground if anyone mentions Rick Perry and how much they regret that he’s dropped out. (Do not worry. This will not happen.)
8. If your friend laughs at something Trump says, take his drink and finish it. Jake, you’ve had enough.
9. If your friend laughs at something Trump says at the expense of Carly Fiorina, take his drink, finish it, and throw the glass at him. There is a level of offensiveness that Columbians should tolerate only in the Spec opinion pages. What the fuck Jake?
10. Take a long sip of your drink if the inevitable Kim Davis question prompts a discussion between your friends about human sexuality. You are already too drunk for this. You wish you’d taken the opportunity to join the conversation about race when you could still think.
11. Raise your glass if one of your friends makes a surprisingly coherent point. You know Bryan, you’re right, if we can accept that sexuality exists as a spectrum, then defending the right to participate in American life as a homosexual isn’t a matter of protection for minorities but one of allowing the greatest freedom in individual expression! SEXUAL POLITICS WOO!!!
12. Slam your drink on the table and loudly boo if your friend tries to nitpick a good point by subjecting it to scrutiny based on arcane terminology and the nearly impossible task of perfect representation. We get it Harry: a spectrum between two points of a binary implies two genders at the expense of, to say the least, queer identifying individuals. YOU KNOW THAT’S NOT WHAT BRYAN WAS TRYING TO SAY!!!!!!!
13. Refill your drink if Mike quietly says he’s not even sure there is a binary of sexual expression I mean, it’s just girls trying to impress guys at parties mostly, right? Why would he even say that oh god, and now Bryan is saying he’s pretty sure that it is possible for a guy, say, to be attracted to both girls and boys (self identifying) and now Mike is saying well how do you know and now Bryan is saying well I kissed a guy at a party last week and I think I liked it and wait-
14. Put your drink down in shock if one of your friends just came out. Kinda. How long have you known, you ask Bryan, and he’s like, I don’t think I did, I wasn’t even thinking when I did it and I’ve just been so confused after, but I think, you know, I think I really liked it. And he’s sitting there looking all scared.
15. Leave your drink on the table and get up and hug Bryan, when Mike gets up and hugs Bryan, and now everyone is hugging Bryan. Mike is telling Bryan that he doesn’t understand these things, and Bryan is saying it’s okay, it’s okay he’s saying, but Mike is grabbing Bryan by the shoulder and telling him “No, you don’t understand, I might not get it, but if that’s you, that’s you, and I love you man. I love you man, no matter what.”
16. Man you love these guys. They can be such assholes sometimes but they are really solid guys. You’re so lucky to have them.
17. Put your drink in the garbage can. Clean up your suite.
18. Put the alcohol bottle away away. It’s been a long night.
Harry, Jake, and Bryan, via Shutterstock
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7 Comments
@anon This belongs in the Onion. Amazing
@Anonymous Bwog, living up to its reputation as an unbiased and fair news source on campus.
@Anonymous I may be picking on someone with a condition where nuance is imperceptible, or can’t tell sarcasm, but… you know that was a humor piece, right?
Not the funniest one ever, of course, but there are social cues you’re not picking up on, there. Try again, and maybe not paraphrase the Fox News motto next time. We believe in you!
@Anonymous This was really good at the beginning then became and stayed good around number 9
@hmmm We don’t know the story but we do know the ending– Donald Trump will not be the next President, he will not be the Republican nominee, and most likely the next president will be Hillary Clinton (not that she should be). No matter how desperate the media is to have viewers, we all basically know these things, stated by order of certainty.
@hmmm That debate was way too long. A historical record? CNN, the network that likes to have people droning on and on interminably.
@what what