But did he prove any of postmodern chemistry?

The outpouring of actual wisdom continues with Statistics professor Phillip Protter, who talks surprisingly little about statistics and surprisingly a lot about football and coffee houses.

Justify your existence in 30 words or fewer: I click to save the world, therefore I am.

Claim to fame: I took second in the mile relay for the state of California my junior year of high school; not much has happened since then.

What’s your most valuable or unexpected college experience? I disproved most of modern chemistry in my chem labs, and nobody cared.

Back in my day… Postcard postage was 3 cents and a college friend spent $477 for one telephone call to his girlfriend in Europe (in today’s dollars).

What’s the craziest student excuse/extension story you’ve heard? He stayed up all night to study and then slept through the evening exam.

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? I love mushrooms, but when I became allergic to them I had to give them up. I learned I can give up, if necessary, any given food, including cheese.

What are three things you learned at Columbia?

1. Successful football might not be essential to the success of a university.
2. Cinderblock architecture is suboptimal.
3. An insufficient number of local coffee houses does not seem to affect student academic performance as much as one might a priori think.

What’s your advice to students/academics/the human race in general? Students: get help when you need it. Academics: Get help. The human race: Global climate change is real. Please change your behavior.

Picture via the mushroom lover himself