The Hookup: Microform Room
Written by Bwog Staff
Our fearless and sex-lovin’ Bwogger has returned to let you in on a well-kept CU secret: the hookup potential of the Microform Room.
It’s getting cold this weekend, even getting into the single digits Saturday night. We’ve showed you some unconventional ways to stay warm, but what about the most conventional way to stay warm: sex in weird places?
“No,” you protest, “I, a stellar student, will be keeping warm by staying inside my favorite library and getting ahead on that midterm studying.”
You don’t have to go far to take an invigorating study break. In the lowest level of the C.V. Starr East Asian Library lies a special Valentine’s oasis for you and your significant other… the Microform Room.
Step 1: Gaining Access
Getting to the Microform Room is as simple as a slow, shaky elevator descent. (If the elevator breaks, fear not: you’ve just created your own hot new hookup location- at least for half an hour or so before FDNY rescues you.)
The entrance to the Microform Room is approximately 4 feet away from a study carroll. If you’re lucky, this carroll will be empty. But if it holds a diligent student, fear not. Just put on your best, “I’m majoring in the study of Chinese microfilm” face and walk purposefully into the Microform Room.
The door is wide open, beckoning you into the dark, silent room. Unfortunately, the door cannot be locked. A tiny pink post-it over the handle reads “Please do not lock the door! :)” and, because Columbia students can hardly be trusted, the door’s lock has been rendered ineffective with tape. However, the room appears to not be surveilled.
Step 2: Setting the Mood
Once the door has been shut, the room goes from a spooky, sexy dim lighting to pitch black (the titty is lost to the dark abyss). Turning on a phone flashlight and setting it on the small table provides a suitable glow.
If you’re a sex in the stacks regular and nothing quite gets you going like the smell of old books, the East Asian library is a not basic, more private alternative to Butler.
Your silence is crucial for your success, but whispering can only add to the appeal. “Prove your form isn’t so micro,” you murmur. “I wanna C. your V. Starr shine,” your significant other breathes back.
Step 3: The Logistics
The room has one wooden chair at the desk of a computer that looks so old your grandparents might just have a shot at understanding it. The shelves create three short aisles.
Locating yourselves behind the shelves improves your chances of being able to plead guilty should someone walk in. (As you recall, the door cannot be locked. Though, from my assessment, this is far from a highly populated library destination.)
However, it’s never advisable to get too wild when surrounded by ancient book shelves. One foul thrust and all three shelves collapse.
The chair, by contrast, is sturdy, made of hard wood. It’s so hard.
The floor, a breathtaking red linoleum, is also hard. But with a blanket, it feels about the same as a dorm bed.
Step 4: Pulling Out
Once satisfied, exit with caution. There still may be people studying right outside of the door. If they look disgruntled, slip them a twenty. (Do not, however, try this on librarians or school administrators.)
There’s still a chance for a broken elevator bonus round as you ride back up.
Congratulations, Columbia! We’ve desecrated yet another library.
Tags: "please do not lock the door! :)" you mock us, did anyone know this room even existed? no? that's the point, i wanna C your v. starr ;), the hookup, what is an “I’m majoring in the study of Chinese microfilm” face