Sep

18

1020 Adventure: 4 PM To 4 AM

Written by

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1020 patrons flock to our booth

On Friday night, First-Years S$, L$, and Y$, chaperoned by a Senior Staffer (henceforth referred to as Editor), headed to 1020 for an open-to-close adventure: 4:00 pm to 4:00 am. In their bags were half-done homework assignments, the Iliad, Sappho’s “If Not, Winter”, a condom, and a single iPhone charger. The events that ensued are compiled below. In the style of biblical analysis, we invite you to try to discern which Bwoggers were responsible for which log entries.

The Log
4:14 pm: “Is it too early to open a tab?” “Nah.” “A glass of house red, please.” “Make that three.”
4:20 pm: Double fisting wine and bubble tea.
5:05 pm: Editor leaves for an hour and a half.
5:42 pm: S$ kicks Y$’s ass in pool.
5:50 pm: We introduce ourselves to Ray, one of the early shift bartenders. Ray and One Of The Two Tims (Australian) work the bar until 9:00 p.m., when two undergrad girls arrive to take over.
6:30 pm: Horde of architecture students arrive for a pre-arranged soirée. We mingle.
6:35 pm: Editor comes back with Digg Inn leftovers and Barnard friend.
6:45 pm: Man in tie reading New York Times next to pool table. White boy in Sperry’s and khakis alone on back couch.
6:57 pm: L$: “Is it too early for this?” *orders vodka cranberry*
7:01 pm: Were a bartender to look more closely at our booth, he would see half the book list for Lit Hum.
7:07 pm: L$, S$, and Y$ start interviewing random architecture students.
7:14 pm: Two Guinesses down. The milkshake of beer.
7:25 pm: Amazing idea: weed chapstick.
7:35 pm: Man with goatee walks by sporting a mouth like a hairy asshole. If assholes could smile and frown, they would be more expressive than this man.
7:55 pm: Editor leaves [this time for four hours], purportedly to buy pizza but actually to attend a birthday party.
8:03 pm: “If Not, Winter” fragment 107. We decide to ask people, “Do you still yearn for your virginity?” Someone from St. Louis, MO wants it back just to lose it again.
8:18 pm: L$ wishes more Tinder matches would message her back.
8:25 pm: Between shots of Jack in Barnard dorm, Editor receives text requesting Koronet’s.
8:41 pm: Alejandro, a handsome man from Peru, gives his number to Y$ via a ridiculous math trick. Claims it’s “how [he] got into Columbia.”
Y$ BOY CELL PHONE # COUNT: 1.
8:55 pm: “American Ninja Warrior” on TV. We’re hungry as shit. Please, for the love of God, someone bring us Koronet’s.
9:17 pm: Guy with backwards Yankees cap has been at the bar since 6, sans friends. He insists said friends are still on their way.
9:30 pm: WE GOT OUR KORONETS!!! People offer to buy slices from us. Everyone is jealous.
9:43 pm: “Happy Birthday” serenade to the girl in the next booth. We do not know her. It is not her birthday.
9:53 pm: We have reached a plateau. Nearing halfway mark. Going strong. Must pace selves.
10:02 pm: A Colombian (with an O) named Gustavo wants to see us back at the bar next Friday. Gives Y$ his number.
Y$ BOY CELL PHONE # COUNT: 2.
10:04 pm: A rowdy slew of our friends show up.
10:50 pm: Backwards Yankee cap leaves, alone.
11:09 pm: Y$ takes picture with Ron, Ron gives his number to Y$.
Y$ BOY CELL PHONE # COUNT: 3.
11:22 pm: Girl walks up with friend; yells, “Who here thinks this guy is cute?!” None of us raise hands. Guy sits down with us.
11:33 pm: Y$ tells elaborate story about how she’s from North Korea and her grandmother is related to Kim Jong-un to get the guy to leave. Unfortunately, he seems more intrigued than scared shitless (LIKE THE REST OF US WERE? BECAUSE WTF?).
11:46 pm: Creepy guy finally leaves.
11:49 pm: L$’s first yawn of the night.
11:50 pm: L$’s second yawn.

12:23 am: Second plateau.
12:58 am: Kyle gives Y$ his number.
Y$ BOY CELL PHONE # COUNT: 4.
1:02 am: A ~friend~ from a previous night out arrives. He and L$ aggressively make out in the booth. He leaves 10 min later.
1:08 am: Our Editor finally returns to the bar, fellow (anonymous) Bwog members/randos in tow. Another round of happy birthday. It was actually one girl’s birthday.
2:00 am: Our British friend writes the entirety of “Jerusalem” by William Blake in our notebook. Proceeds to sing the poem and order lots of beer. Did we mention he’s British?
2:30 am: Editor plays Pokemon Go. Luckily, there are two pokestops close by.
2:38 am: Moment of silence for Harambe (because we never made it to Mel’s, where there was a Harambe-themed event).
2:51 am: Lost Y$. Moment of panic. Find her at the bar making out with a boy. Crisis averted.
3:04 am: Distribute condom to needy Carmanite.
3:15 am: Editor notes that handwriting has become increasingly sloppy, but it’s OK because “you can’t tell online.”
3:27 am: Random boy with a neck full of hickies: “Oh my God, I’m going to spank Omar!”
3:42 am: Last call! Tabs = closed. Employee starts mopping floor. Hope we can actually leave at 4 a.m.
3:50 am: Turkish man sits down, complains that “nice guys” like him are never given a chance because assholes and Barnard students ruin the white male reputation. He tells us he was dumped last week and asks if anyone wants to leave with him.
4:00 am: Y$: “That was a fucking blast. Let’s do it again.”

Final Drink Count
L$: 7
S$: 8
Y$: 9
Editor: Unknowable
Note: Y$ was the least drunk by the end of the night and would like this to be documented.

Moral Of The Story
Catch us there next Friday!

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8 Comments

  1. Guy With Backwards Yankees Cap  

    Let the record reflect that my friend was there for like an hour. I'm not saying that I've never been at 1020 for that long (or longer) by myself, but my friend was there. As you may recall he had some of your pizza. Get yo facts straight!

    • Y$  

      but you were there from 6pm to like 1am
      most of this time was spent alone
      it's ok to be alone at bars

      • Guy with Backwards Yankee Cap

        Hardly the point! You very clearly made it seem as if I were at the bar by myself the entire time, by excluding the fact that my friend was there for a not insignificant portion of that time. Shame on you! You clearly obscured the facts to forward your absurd agenda. I hereby demand a formal apology and a correction to be added to what can only be described as an abhorrent excuse for journalism and social experimentation. SHAME!!!

        • Y$  

          Ok let it be known that Ben does in fact have friends
          Sorry Ben😔

          • Guy With Backwards Yankees Cap  

            Despite the fact that I find that to be woefully insufficient, due to its sarcastic and insincere tone, I will leave this matter here. Unfortunately, I have a funeral to attend...for today we mark the death of unbiased journalism. And as if it wasn't bad enough that you killed that great institution, to think you, attempted to sully the name of 1020 and as well as my own. I may be a man of humble means (I certainly didn't go to The Hill School), but at least I know I can go to a place where everybody knows my name, and have a good conversation with a buddy, with a belly fully of Yuengling and a heart filled with the goddamn truth! Can you do that? I think not!

  2. 1020 fan

    This was beautiful, thank you for embarking on this journey and bringing us all along with you!

  3. The goateed assasissin

    1020 is a judge-free zone. Detailing events, and more specifically patrons, is unnerving. Let people drink in peace. No one at 1020 deserves to be a peripheral character in some aspiring Vice intern's memoir intro. Y'all need to chill

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